TINDER and more!

Almost a year ago a friend told me about this app called Tinder! She was looking to date and had found her then current boyfriend on it. She encouraged  me to try it even though I was quite apprehensive. Apparently it could also be used to make friends and network. Now these propositions sounded more interesting to me. I cannot fathom the idea of hooking up with complete strangers to have fun (punn intended)! Fortunately or unfortunately, even though I often have raging and deprived hormones I cannot have fun! My bad! I need a heart/soul connect. Anything less than that does not work for me. Great for those who can. I am made up of other stuff I guess. I've surprised myself on couple of occasions in the past but the men always turned out 'fuski' (frivolous, spineless) and rather unevolved or plain not ready. It was an awesome connect but they just dint have the balls or pretended like they never saw it for reasons best known to them. Maybe I gave them benefit of doubt which they dint deserve. Maybe they were plain downright jerks or scum in human costume! I don't know and I could'nt care less! Overtime I have recognized a lot of this latter variety. They are the most dangerous creatures on earth. Most dignified and respectable social images but if you were unlucky enough to see the other side or what their real inner core was made of you would shudder. They have inner demons which they unleash on completely unsuspecting souls.They wear social masks which when fall reveal the most ugly and often mentally sick personalities. This variety of men is so rampant that you would be both shocked and amazed to realize how many of them prance around like honorable and socially revered members of society (Mind you! They almost always get the most number of likes on their facebook pictures and updates!) They often wear an attitude which when translated would easily say " gods gift to mankind". I like to call this category of men as vultures in human clothing! I've had the misfortune of dealing with this variety of species and I simply put it down to having to settle karma with them or having to evolve or both!

Anyway coming back to Tinder ...I downloaded the app and its pretty funny and unique in the sense that if you like a profile you swipe right and if you don't like it you swipe left! The good thing I thought was you are allowed to chat only if both have swiped right(read as liked each other). What makes people swipe right or left is a different question altogether! Given that its predominantly a dating app I would assume its the outer appearance/ package! For me if I swiped right it was purely based on two things, one was pure instinct and second was if I liked what they wrote in their description. I am a big one for wit, humor and intelligent matter. Its half the battle won! My Tinder experience has been interesting. I no longer am on it. I've had my fill I guess! But I am going to try and share some of it here.

So since most guys were on it to have fun or date I cant blame them for hitting on me as they would have probably assumed the same for me. But the pick up lines are most amusing. Thanks to my amazing memory I may not really remember the ridiculous ones. Though I remember a couple that stood out purely because they were shockers for me. So this one American or Australian dude started the conversation with
"How big are your breasts?". My immediate instinct made me look for how to not continue this conversation further and that is how I discovered the 'unmatch' feature which I instantly clicked on! Reason for unmatching from a multiple choice was 'inappropriate messages'! Another dude asked 'have u had sex before?'. By now I was a pro at unmatch! Another dude just said or rather asked "Sex"? Reminded me of sellers selling commodities of offering services randomly! Hilarious! Its also funny how the level of interest they show in having a conversation with you works on the law of diminishing returns! A graph that started out with so much promise but crashed like there was no tomorrow. I guess some of them realized soon enough that I was not the 'fun' variety. Its also funny how some of them look at you like you are supposed to play the role of the spicy ingredient which completely changes their boring and mundane life. When they asked me what I do and I would say psychologist most times the reaction was " Oh I hope you are not reading my mind"... That sentence from anyone is such a put off and immediately shows me your level of intelligence or lack of it! I would just brush it off most times by saying that I am off duty here. Sadly very few got the humor in that one too. What I really would like to say in response to that question would be, 'Yes  I can and your a complete ass/ dickhead'{polite/no nonsense mood alternately)! Then there are those who try hitting by saying 'Oh you are so desi'( read as uninterested in sex talk!). To these I always want to say only one thing! The world is your playground. Feel free to leave and settle somewhere where the non desi thinking and culture suit both you and your needs.

Some started by some kind of weird foreplay like how they wanted to nibble your ears or pour chocolate sauce over your face and then lick it! And all this even before a 'hi/hello' or a normal conversation or introduction! At such times I behaved like a dumb cow which made them lose interest on the spot. Or I would say something so drab and dry that it hits the 'turn off ' button in them. I just found it all too funny. The earlier me would have been shocked and disgusted but now I've learnt to treat everything as entertaining or fodder for my writing so I just get amused. There are some who will ask if you will let them kiss you when they meet you. All this they have just inferred. And this is after telling them your here only to make friends, if at all anything!. Maybe they think when a girl says no she means yes. The most erroneous and crappy concept! Or maybe they think they are studs whom girls cannot refuse! Then there are some progressive (sarcastic!) ones who will show surprise and wonder as to how you are unmarried at age 40! I say I am an ancient mummy. Again, goes above their head. One guy asked where I live and we happened to stay in the same area. It was his day off at work so after precisely ten minutes of chatting he insisted that I should go over to his place! I am still speechless! Some cant gather the courage to ask for your number so they say 'oh this app is very slow' or 'im logging off tinder. U wont be able to be in touch '. Really funny!Some stay in touch for awhile and disappear making you wonder what happened! Never mind! Some I had the temptation to diagnose with mental disorders purely based on what they chose to show me in our interactions! My experiences with "married men" on tinder deserves another post altogether. Some on the other hand were really nice and I am still in touch with them.

And the pictures!!! OMG! Most amusing. Varied from shirtless, to only crotch, to some actor's pic, to only butt to god knows what all! Name it and you have it there! Most entertaining! 

Last but not the least, comes the time for the ones I connected and got along with for good reason. Four to five, I guess I am still in touch with. Never met. Only chatted. But nice guys, sweet, funny, intelligent. And consistent. I like consistent in a world where inconsistency has become a norm.They are like any of your other friends. You can have intelligent or down right silly conversations with them. They make fun of you and vice versa! They tell you stuff that they know will psyche you and they laugh at your cost and you don't mind! They send you random pics of stuff or people that mean to them. I like these people and they like me I guess. They are the nice guys. They fill the void that I have always experienced. That of not having many male friends with just a friendly and healthy relationship. No ulterior motives, no agenda! I spent my growing years in a convent school with only girls. My only interaction with boys was that with my brother and his friends and maybe few cousins.Though I went to college which did have co-education, but because of the stream I chose I had only girls around me. Being a mental health professional in a non corporate environment made my interaction with men rather limited. Which is precisely why I have always seeked and cherished normal healthy friendships with men of the sensible and non lecherous variety! These few guys on tinder have done the needful to some extent and I am grateful as somewhere I guess my stars have changed whereby I have stopped meeting or attracting jerks in my life. And I hope I am not speaking too soon!

So all in all its been fun ( my concept of fun!) and I have enjoyed the ride. Why I got off tinder? I don't have the answer. I went by pure instinct even though I was sent an article about the dangers of tinder which was not really applicable to me as I was never on it to date. But good to make one aware and be cautious. My journey with it was complete. I just felt I did not really have the time or inclination to swipe right or left anymore though it can get very addictive. I loved swiping left.. It may sound mean but I felt like I was throwing trash in the bin!! Made me feel very happy! In a sadistic way maybe but then I had my share of being a saint almost my entire life! I owe myself this much harmless fun! :)

Till we meet again..........

Dangerous Liaisons......

 
This issue has been on my mind for the longest time and I have tried to understand it on a personal and a professional level. Lot more needs to be understood and researched I guess, if we need some real answers as nothing is black or white and there is always a lot of grey!  Unfortunately, given the very nature of it , one always tends to either talk about it as part of gossip or in hushed tones! Very few understand the gravity of it and show the deserved sensitivity. The issue that I am talking about is that of  "extra marital relations/affairs"!

After much deliberation and thought, I realize that no two cases are same and no two couples go through the same thing. There may be common threads running through all such instances that have happened or are happening but we cannot generalize. And the fact of the matter that will always remain is that ONLY and ONLY the couple may know the reality and truth of what transpired or happened between them to give rise to this, whether or not they choose to admit it in front of  the world. The way I see it is, marriage by definition is a monogamous and sacred institution which is precisely why we refer to it as 'holy matrimony'. So anyone who has entered this contract of marriage needs to honor the vows taken/promises made and go by the clauses of the marital contract. Any kind of affair/liaison/fling is a breach of this contract. And this is only one angle. The mental and emotional trauma caused by the 'cheating' partner to the one at the receiving end is enormous and long lasting. It can leave scars for a lifetime and healing the same is not the easiest task. That apart, the whole trust issue and the question being , if they can ever believe and trust all over again.

No marriage is ever perfect or a bed of roses. There will always be issues. Very often an extra marital affair is the easiest way out as, no one then needs to bell the cat or admit that there is a problem , let alone working on it. This liaison gives an illusion and temporary escape route but when the newness and thrill of it fade off, the person concerned is left in a worse situation than the one they began with. It gets messy on all levels. For those that are never found out, they gloat in the glory of being smart enough to have pulled it off, and get into an unhealthy pattern of such affairs. They are not only cheating their spouses and kids but also deluding themselves as one law of the universe that never ever fails is the 'law of karma' where undoubtedly and unfailingly what goes around comes around. Like it or not and admit or not, sooner or later you are doomed in one way or another.

It is often disgusting to see or hear the boastful attitude of the 'cheaters' or the 'unfaithful' ones. There is no element of regret or remorse and some even go to the extent of blaming the spouse saying that s/he pushed them towards an affair as they are the ones responsible for the deterioration of the marriage. This is often the so called 'grey' area. Even if for a minute we believe this to be true, then there are constructive mechanisms that can be accessed. One can seek the intervention of friends and family, if things cannot be sorted at the couple level alone or then seek professional help. What is ironical here, is that often the one who cheats has in his /her head the reasons very clear but has never bothered to communicate the same to the spouse. Therefore when it all comes out in the open and mud slinging happens between the couple, the one who has been cheated is shocked at two levels, one because of the cheating and two, because they never even felt that there was something wrong in the marriage to begin with. This unfortunately is the most ridiculous situation to be in.

From what I see around me, in majority of the cases, the reasons may be, apart from many others, a breakdown in communication, monotony and boredom, health issues, lack of time for the spouse/marriage, just outgrowing each other with no good reason, not being able to see eye to eye on any matter, constant fights over domestic/children related matters, Sexual incompatibility or incompatibility in general, a change in the physical appearance of the partner( therefore impacting the so called 'attraction quotient!'). This last one however shallow it may sound, is very often a major factor. To quote an instance, I had a couple who came in where it was the husband who had the affair and one main reason he cited was the fact that his wife had put on too much weight, so he no longer felt attracted to her. In this case, the wife, for the life of her could not understand how the love of a husband can increase or decrease according to the size of her body! (Quite profound!) What I found most strange here is the fact that the husband was also quite heavy and balding, but the wife for once dint even think that she should look outside. Very often there is no insight into yourself at all, but you are quick to put the whole onus on the spouse. When you love someone you love them unconditionally. Do we love our parents, siblings or friends any less when they add weight/reduce weight or when their appearance/health changes in any way!? But like it or not, marriage is a very different ball game and though this is ideal case scenario that you should love your spouse totally and accept them unconditionally, it is often not the case. I am quite convinced,  reading some research and going by my own findings that 'gender' and 'conditioning' play a big role here, but there are always exceptions that prove the rule. Also subjective ideas as to what 'should be' or how your spouse 'ought to look and behave' are key factors here.

As a person and moreover, as a therapist I have always believed in two aspects very strongly. One, it is better to be single than marry the wrong person out of desperation and two, a broken marriage is far better than a bad marriage. There are various schools of thought on the latter, especially when there are children involved .  The most erroneous one is where the couple are told to stay together and make it work as there are children involved.. It is very counter productive in the long run.  If research were to be done in this area over a span of time , one would realize that the children of divorced parents do better and are better adjusted than the children of those who continue to stay in bad marriages. The simple reason being, in bad marriages there are regular and ugly fights, sometimes on a daily basis. This has a very negative impact on the psyche of the child. There is mud slinging each day and the most unhealthy aspect is when the 'children' are used by one/both parents against the/each other. On a daily basis there is resentment , negativity and bitterness that each person goes through in the family set up , be it the parents or the kids or both,  In such cases it is always best to part ways amicably and spend individual quality time with the kids and that is healthy for both the parent and the child.

One statement that I hear often again is, "It was only a fling , nothing serious, I still love only my husband/wife" . What on earth is that supposed to mean! And mind you, the 'only a fling' had sexual intimacy, emotional involvement , spending/splurging, of time and resources(money) and the list goes on. This just goes to show the warped ways in which a person's brain works and how they choose to believe their own delusional ideas. It may be some sort of justification they give themselves or part of the 'dealing with the guilt' phenomenon. Having said that, when I've often asked the cheating partner if they would be 'alright/comfortable', if their spouse decided to go and have that very same 'not serious fling', believe me the answer is always a resounding NO! Double standards at their best! In my professional life, it has almost always been that the husband had the affair and the wife was left coping, but I know for a fact that is not always the case. There are enough and more women out there these days who are having the affairs and flings and the husbands have been at the receiving end. So its not fair to make a gender judgement here! It is only fair to say that these are people/ human beings who choose to do indulge in this irrespective of caste, age, strata, status, gender etc!

There are no simple answers or solutions to the issue of extra marital relations but there is certainly some food for thought .......

• For starters, if you think you are a polygamous creature in the form of a human being or who likes variety, then please do yourself and others a favour and 'do not' get married. Very often this is another absurd arguement that I get to hear and it goes something like ...." We are polygamous by nature so it is impossible for us to stay with one woman/man for the rest of our lives". What they forget is marriage is a 'choice' they have made for themselves. If, as an adult you have made that choice, stick by it for better or worse and if you are so unhappy, get out of it and then do what you want. You CANNOT make innocent people go through so much hurt and trauma because you choose to be unfaithful. 
• Another factor playing a huge role is when, after marriage when we take our spouses for granted! You have to be there and 'present' in the marriage, throughout. It is not going to work by itself. You cannot just be there when it suits you or you want your needs met (at various levels!). Even when the excitement and thrill fades, you have to pump it all back in, even if it takes a lot of effort. Keep reinventing yourself and do fun, exciting things together. Make time for each other. 
•  The biggest problem arises when the 'we' in the marriage changes to 'I" and the approach gets self-centered. It cannot be about 'individual' needs. It has to be about "mutual" needs.

And last but not the least despite it all if affairs happen, make a very informed choice whether you want to stay in the marriage or get out. If your spouse is not regretting his/her affair and that makes you go mad and crazy , decide whether you want to stay or go! If for whatever you decide to stay then accept the fact that it is your decision to want to stay, even if it is for the kids or financial reasons or whatever and accept that decision gracefully, without feeling the need to throw it into the spouse's face every now and then and get into a mud slinging battle daily of 'u did this to me!'. If u have chosen to be the bigger person and forgive and stay, then that too is your choice and you ought to take responsibility for it. Do not do it and then want revenge and make life hell for yourself and others around. If your spouse admits it was a weak moment and it was a huge mistake etc , then too decide if you are willing to stay and if you can trust again. If yes then there is no going back and accept this with grace and dignity and put it all behind and move on rather than feeling like a victim and the wronged party. This attitude helps no one. If you are choosing to forgive, you are not doing anyone a favor. In all consciousness you have chosen to forgive so honor it. The whole s/he did this to me and now I will stay in the marriage and show him/her does NOT work for anyone and is very self defeating and destructive to say the least.

 To conclude, there are no easy options, answers , solutions but maybe, having more insight into our own behavior/ motivations/compulsions will go a long way to help us understand ourselves and others better. If this menace is here to stay, we might as well equip ourselves to deal with the onslaught of it to the best of our ability, capacity and with as much grace, dignity and sensibility.

Lunch Box.

Im so glad that good and unusual films are being made. Not run of the mill but actually 'different'! Very out of the box and very unconventional, though with the times and thought provoking all the same. The movie in one go, focusses on as well as throws light on so many different issues, some of which are monotony of a married life, the drudgery of daily living, a typical city life, little nuances of  life, impact of 'good food', blossoming of unlikely relationships in the most uncanny ways, supportive neighbours adding spice (punn intended!) to a boring, mundane life, making tough bold decisions at the crossroads of life and many more.

What fabulous casting and brilliant performances! Irfan Khan is an actor par excellence. Give him any role and the man never disappoints. If only expressions can speak a thousand words, this man personifies it so so beautifully! The dilemna of the character at different stages, wonderfully portrayed! There is a scene where this person that he plays comes to terms with his age, gracefully and with so much wisdom. One of the most outstanding scenes in the movie for me because thats kind of a turning point in the film. His interaction with the children in his locality, so 'real' and yet so amusing, not in a 'in your face' kind of way. The journey with a co- worker which begins with avoidance and cold shouldering and eventually leads to genuine concern, covering up for and 'being there'!

Nawazzudin, one of the best actors in this generation, plays his role so effortlessly, from being a pesky, annoying colleage to someone who shows depth, persistence, practicality and to do whatever it takes to achieve that he has set out to.

Nimrat Kaur, who I have seen perform on stage often holds the film together as she is the central character and the story revolves around her. She has played the super efficient home maker plus mother plus superwoman so well. The ease with which she accepts( matter of factly!) that her husband is having an affair, shows boldness and risk taking behaviour without being bothered about what will come of it, refusing to continue in a stale marriage, challenging the notion that a woman has to take everything in her stride.

Highlights of the film for me were, for starters the "subtlety" of the scenes, where so much is projected without actually saying it. Two scenes that stood out in this area were one, where the daughter just stares at her mother without saying a word and her expression gives away how she disapproves of her mother leaving the tap on and wasting water, while yapping away with 'deshpande' aunty and the second scene, where a small girl shows her fondness or lack of it towards Irfans' character by leaving her living room window open/ closed. The other bits are, the efficiency and systems of the 'dabbawallas', the daily humdrum, the camaraderie between "deshpande" aunty( who is never shown in the film, u can only hear her voice!) and the housewife, the scene where she tells deshpande aunty to play the saajan soundtrack and why or when 'deshpande' aunty tells the housewife to put too much spice in the food and why! All these and more make the movie so endearing and memorable. A scene where a mother warns her daughter on how to go about protecting herself in the rains by very matter of factly telling her to steer clear from trees, flyovers etc because they tend to fall in the rains!!! Hilarious! Another scene where the housewife is at her wits' end trying to explain to the dabbawala that the dabba is not being delivered to the right person/place and he argues back with pride and conviction that no one can fault the dabbawalas and their systems, and this fact has been endorsed by none other than the Queen and Harvard! And last but not the least, the eternal and undying charm of simple, sweet, heartfelt exchanges on notes of paper between total strangers.

A sweet simple story which has its heart and soul in the right place and which has characters who face real, believable, day to day struggles and dilemnas. Some connections and relationships are beyond time, age, conditioning, norms and hypocrisy of society. This movie is about such a connect which forms purely because sometimes the wrong train leads you to the right destination, used metaphoriaclly here ofcourse! The climax of the movie is left to our own interpretation! And being the eternal optimist that I am, no prizes for guessing what I took as the end of the film. ( U would know once u have seen it!) A must watch for admirers of good, unconventional cinema! May there be many more such films.

Not Happening!!!

I promised myself that I will write about this. I needed to, because something about this movie disturbed me very deeply! And I will come to that very shortly. I decide to watch films on pure hunch. Sometimes just one look at a poster or at the promo and the decision is made. At other times great reviews or a boastful cast also dont encourage me to watch a film. For Aashiqui 2 I dont know what it was. The original Aashiqui was most certainly not the reason, as I neither liked the film nor the cast! And I dont remember the story either. The friend I went with kept asking me if the story of 2 was the same as the original  and I could not recall a thing. Even now I only remember Rahul Roy and Anu Aggarwal being most annoying in their respective parts and though the music was a rave then, I did not think too much of it! A combination of Kumar Sanu, Anuradha Paudwal and Nadeem Shravan is anything but music to MY ears!!!

Coming back to Aashiqui 2, the lead actors are very pleasant to look at. Aditya Roy Kapoor is extremely adorable (looks much better in person and comes across as very humble too!) and can ACT! Likewise Shradha Kapoor ( cannot believe she is Shakti Kappor's daughter!!!) is pretty and talented. Given that its a musical in a way, the music and songs ought to have been much much better. Two- three songs are really nice. They grew on me. The others are just about average. The story perse is good and showed much scope at the outset . As usual the latter half leaves much to be wanted. What I liked about the film was the chemistry between the lead pair, some above average 'human' moments and emotions, some exemplary dailogues, the impeccable character sketch of an alcoholic, the highs and lows of a 'star' along with the absolute despair and confusion visavis the  stardom after a point! These were the highlights of the movie and kudos to the director and the cast who depicted all of it in the most beautiful and believable manner.

Now to the part I had and have a huge problem with! A brief sketch of the film so that I can come to that. A musician who becomes a star. Does it all, sees it all. Beyond a point life seems to have no meaning, so he takes to alcohol to deal with all of it. Bumps into a girl who hails from a poor family and is trying hard to make ends meet by singing at bars. She is blessed with a fabulous voice. He takes it upon himself to promote her and make her a star as he sees great potential in her. He makes it the mission of his meaningless life. Somewhere along, love blossoms. There is a wonderful scene where he says he is unsure if he has fallen in love with the art or the artist. Often under the influence of the alcohol he utters deeply profound life gems! And the essence of it lies in the 'hindi' dialogues which if translated would most certainly lose the profanity and get completely lost in translation.

So far so good! The addiction bit is shown very well and the back and forth that happens despite all promises to give up and the utter helplessness of an addict! The pain, the anguish, the withdrawl symptoms, the hopelessness, all of which stand out! After he has achieved his goal and the girl has achieved her stardom, he realises that 'he' is the only one who stands in the way of her career and her dream, given that she drops everything and runs to him during his bouts and epsiodes, gives him all the love and the unconditional support as thats her priority and everything else is secondary. Everything is perfect in their life and in their paradise barring his drinking habit! The slightest provocation and all the promises go in vain. All realistic so far. When he realises that she will never live upto her dreams and commitments as she is unwilling to leave him or be away from him, is when he decides to commit suicide and thats the end of the film. Very realistically in her final outburst characterised by volatile emotions, she calls him a coward! Some would say its realistic but I have a huge problem with the fact that he is shown ending his life. And that probably comes more from my professional background. In a case like that the prognosis ( ability/capacity to get healed/cured) would be very good, given that all other systems are in place. The most important and the biggest being his unconditional support systems. Most addicts where the prognosis is not good, are the ones with either no/ very few strong support systems! They have nothing or no one to go back to or fall back upon. Life the way it is, promises very little to look forward to. The present and future are both doomed. But in the protagonists' case here, he has it all and has everything to look forward to in life.

My biggest issue with the movie...... At the end the message that you take home is this.... " Love loses, life loses but ALCHOHOL/ ADDICTION wins"!!! Yes, you are a story teller with cinematic liberties but you also have a responsibility towards society! In the most crappy movies or love stories you show a happy ending. Here I did not want a happy ending because I would feel sad that a love story did not have a fairy tale ending. Here it ought to have been a happy ending, by default, purely because that gives hope and hope is all there is for a person or an addict who is often hanging by his/ her last thread. You want to give out the message that it IS possible to overcome this deadly habit and come out a winner. There are enough success stories around us and AA( "alchoholics anonymous") has enough statistics to prove it. The producers of this film, the Bhatts should know better as Mahesh Bhatt came clean from his addiction years ago which was wonderfully depicted in his film "Daddy". Javed Akhtar openly talks about how he went through the deepest shit when he was an alcoholic but managed to come out of it and embrace life and continues to pen the most beautiful lyrics.  What I dont understand is the obsession and fixation of the Bhatt camp with showing protagonists dying in the end. This was not a gangster film where it would be natural or expected. Why is there an 'aura' around death and dying! Im sorry but its not glamorous to show someone end their life, especially given the issue you are trying to project.

I know people in my life, acquaintances and friends alike, who have either successfully quit or are desperately, even currently trying to kick their addiction. I would love for them to see this movie as they would realise the pain they not only put themselves through, but the sheer agony of the people who love them so dearly. But Im not so sure if I can tell them to go see a film which might tell them... 'there is no hope for you , how much ever you try'! I would never want them to feel that eventually 'however hard I try this might be my fate and my destiny'! Or 'irrespective of all the effort I put in the alcohol will get the better of me so no point trying'! Imagine a person on the brink of a breakthrough visavis his/her addiction and watching a film like this. Even though 'its only a film', for seconds, minutes or whatever length of time, what will actually go through their minds would be extreme self-doubt, fear, anxiety, all of which will rattle their self confidence! And we already know the vulnerability levels and self image of a person, when s/he is in deep throes of addiction! Can we afford to make such movies which send out such messages???? Seriously!!! For filmmakers who are blessed with a platform which can serve as an instrument of change, why not orchestrate a positive change. We have to dissociate the loser( most ridiculously shown as 'selfless' in the film!!) attitude, associated with addictions, because more often than not its not necessarily true. A self defeating personality of an addict can be transformed with the right systems in place and the right guidance/ channels, and thats what the film could have capitalised on completely given that it was all there! I wouldve still been able to relate to an ending that shows death in the form of an accident caused by impaired judgement, under the influence of alcohol. But going and ending your life just when everything else is going right, is something I cannot fathom or believe as realistic! Just not convincing! Im sure there will be enough arguement to justify an end like this and if all else fails there is always the eternal " its only a film and dont take it so seriously" bit! But serious issues deserve serious treatment and I wish someday people in a position to do justice to such issues and give hope, if nothing else, succeed in doing so!

The Country club!

There is a place called Golden Swan Country Club which has been built on the Yeour hills in Thane. It was originally called Safari Woods and I have to admit that I preferred that name because it somehow seemed more appropriate given the location, surroundings and the environment! That name gave a very jungle like feel to the place, which was very apt. Overtime the management changed and hence the change in name as well. Its about an hours' drive from where we stay. And once there, you never feel that you are still at the outskirts of Mumbai city. You always get the feel like you are far away, on some hill station.



You drive through  a hilly area and a winding road and as soon as you do that you can feel the change in climate when you are on your way up. Its just greenery all the way from there. The club is situated bang in the middle of the Yeour village. They have a clubhouse and cottages where you can stay. We have almost always done a stayover because its only then that you can experience the place in all its glory! Like you have four seasons in a year, when you stay there you can actually feel the transition from morning to night in a mere span of 24 hours, as the scenario changes and each time and phase of the day has its own unique splendour. Mornings are beautiful, sometimes misty as well and you wake up to the sounds of  birds chirping away, creating their own  melody of sorts. Its a truly wonderful experience and the best part is you can sip your morning tea just outside the cottage and enjoy all of nature's artwork alongside. I have always dreamt of having a place where I can sit out in the midst of nature, surrounded by greenery and have my morning and evening chai! For now, this dream gets realised everytime I visit the country club.

The weather dictates how the day unfolds. If its pleasant then you can  be outdoors but if its hot or rainy then the afternoon time is best inside the cottage which gives you a very cosy ( and romantic!) feel. A good book to go along with it is perfect. An afternoon nap is also a very tempting option or then just vegetating and doing nothing. As the evening draws close its best to step out and actually explore the place. They have long paths all around the club which are quite trekworthy! While you take a walk you truly feel like you are in the middle of a jungle. Flora with huge gigantic trees and all kinds of plants and flowers add to the beauty of the place. And ofcourse a bonus and that is the luxury of 'fresh' air which is totally unpolluted! How you crave for things like that when you are leading a crazy hectic city life!!!

There is a small lake which is the abode for thousands of fishes, big and small of different shapes and colours. Its a norm to feed the fishes and the change from still waters to a multitude of ripples happens right there when you are chucking in bits of bread or biscuit pieces. They just come out of nowhere and try to grab a share of whatever they get! There is a very pretty bridge across the river and the sight is 'picture perfect'! They have small boats as well and there is one relatively bigger one which is in the shape of a swan! This time around it looked freshly painted and fully white with some bindi like thing adorning its forehead. My first reaction was to call it Rekha as it looked very south indian to me!

Weekends always have a line up of programmes, either for kids or the whole family. Their musical nights are quite nice and create a perfect ambience when you are sipping your favourite drink! It creates a different kind of mood altogether. One of my favourite parts of the stay there are the nights , for many reasons. The quiet at night almost spells an eerie atmosphere, though not scary! Everything is so still and yet so pretty. When you take your night walks you encounter a beauty which is very difficult to describe in words as it has to be felt! I feel if there are angels and fairies for real, they most certainly reside in places like these. Strangely the birds seem awake through the night given the incessant supply of humming and chirping sounds. You also get the most sound and blissful sleep and the quality of your dreams is something else altogether. And I think that has more to do with the pure, refined vibes and energies in such places. You just feel so settled!

Since we all are so used to a city life with a maddening pace, it takes you awhile to get used to a place like this. And when you are just about settling in your first thought is "Ok what next!" and then you have to remind yourself that you are here just to chill and unwind. And its uncanny that when you have settled into the surrounding and sync yourself to the rythm of of it , is when its actually time to bid adieu! I have always left the place with a slightly heavy heart, one because its so lovely and two the thought of going back into a hectic crazy city life makes its even tougher.

On a more optimistic note the place is magical in the monsoons, and the winters come a close second. So there are always these times to look forward to and plan the next trip. During or even towards the fag end of monsoon is a good time to go as all you see is lush green around and the shades of green you get to witness are just mind boggling! Its a  place where you can never question universe's creations, as its all spread around for you to see and enjoy. Every nook and corner reminds you of how fabulously and meticulously nature has been orchestrated. Without any doubt, its got to be the master stroke of an artist par excellence!

A Lazy Day!

Today has been a day which has been super lazy and I had decided that its going to be like that! I have relaxed completely and just been in a chill out mode. There are some days where you just allow yourself  to BE! Woke up late and then post lunch, watched one of my favourite films 'Hum Tum' for the umpteenth time. Its amazing how you can never tire of watching the same movie or listening to the same song time and again if you have really liked it! I am a complete sucker for romance so all or rather most mushy films are often my fodder. I have days where I will laugh or cry along with the characters of these films. Today was one such day and I truly wanted to be in my own zone, much to the dismay of my family.

Another thing I did manage to achieve was to post some long overdue photographs. I had promised my friend that I would do it ages ago and kept procrastinating. It was of a trip we took together almost two months ago! I finally managed today and felt happy with myself. Small pleasures of llife I tell you!

Evening, did a bit of meditation and that was the only routine thing that I managed to actually fit into this otherwise lazy day. Towards the end of the day had some very interesting conversations with couple of friends which happens from time to time as my life is not complete if I dont update them about the happenings or the non happenings in my life!

All in all as the title of the post suggests, a day well spent in the laziest way that I could! There is a song which has been playing on my mind bigtime oflate and just today I have lost count of the number of times I heard it. There is something so lovely about it! Its so free spirited in a sense that I can totally relate to it in my own wild and crazy way! The visuals too go with it perfectly and so do the  vocals, so much so that the female playback voice sounds magical! I am going to end the post with a link to the song :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I5r5d6AdYTk 

Life's Bamboos!

Bamboo is a term I learnt in one of the centres where I had worked at the start of my career. We would use it often and what it basically refers to is any jolt, shock that you get out of the blue or any scary episode that you go through! Though it sounds like it has a predominantly negative or unpleasant connotation, its often not like that and after the whole 'bamboo' episode gets over there is always something that it leaves you with, maybe a learning, or a perspective of sorts. And then there are times that for the life of you ,the reason or logic of it all evades you and you cant quite figure out what the hell just happened there! If there is an "alls well that ends well" scenario then you just thank God/ the universe for the grace and all you can have at your end is gratitude even if it left u shaken and was traumatic when you went through with it. This post is about one such bamboo that I recently encountered! Another thing about bamboos is the fact they come when you least expect them! You are almost always never forewarned or prepared. Its like life bowling you one of those googlies!

I am required to do my hormone tests once every year since I have a poly cystic ovarian condition. And this time around I was feeling some level of discomfort. Having a look at my earlier reports made me realise that one year has gone by, so I decided to get it done. All my hormones seemed to be behaving themselves except one called 'Prolactin'. The normal range being 5-28, mine was 165! And next to the reading in brackets was the word 'rechecked' which just meant that they had already checked it twice given the high count. Seeing this I did get a bit alarmed but nothing prepared me for what I was going to be told or in other words the significance of a high Prolactin! In the natural course of events this is a hormone which is high when you are in a lactating phase(breast-feeding your child). Needless to say it was not doing what its meant to in my case. My first action post this was calling my brother's friend who is a gynac. The weekend was around the corner so I thought that just incase I dont get to see my own gynac atleast I should know what this could mean! And to my utter horror my brothers' friend said you will need to get an MRI of the brain done to rule out a tumour in the pituitary area!!!!!! I thought I heard wrong, so I asked again and this time hearing the fear and concern in my voice he reassured me by sayin that 'dont worry even if its a tumour it can be shrunk with medication, as in most cases it is benign!' My heart sank and I had to sit down because I had to absorb what had just been told to me in the most calm and matter of fact way! I guess doctors are a different species altogether. They just seem to see things in ways we cannot even dream of. To give him some credit he also said that he did not think it will turn out to be anything in my case since I dint have classic symptoms like severe headaches, blurring of vision etc. But the mind is such that it usually feeds on the fodder that is not so pleasant. At that moment I think I was still in denial and a bit unconvinced or so I thought. I sent my own gynac an SOS sms asking to see her the next day as it was urgent. My gynac accomodated me and I saw her the next day which was a saturday ,just to have my fears confirmed. She said absolutely the same thing that gynac no 1 had said.

After that something within me just gave way! I am a normal human being and so the word 'tumour' just did it for me, though ofcourse I was trying to be positive and it took every iota of strength and courage out of me to keep consoling myself that it will all be ok! I just had to give myself a huge load of pep talk all day through. I was also told that there was no 'immediate urgency" as such and I could get the MRI done in the next ten to fifteen days! And I was like you gotta be kidding me or crazy thinking that I could live with the stress of a sword hanging over my head for so many days! I got into action mode with my dad's help and if left to me I would want to get the MRI done that very day however discomforting the very thought of undergoing one was! My dad managed to get us an appointment the very next day at Hinduja in the morning! ( only my dad can manage such things with a combination of his marketing, persuasive skills and charm!)

So now the inevitable was going to happen and I dint have a choice but to brace myself for it! My mother was rock solid and kept telling me that 'You gotta be silly to even think that something like this will happen to you! Nothings gonna happen to you as you are a good soul so just keep the faith that you always have!' My father was more a silent source of strength. God bless my parents! I wudnt trade them for anything or anyone in the world and its only such times that reiterate your belief. They have always been my pillars of strength and at times like these, they are something else altogether. I know for a fact that they too were very shaken from inside but chose to not show it because they couldnt let their darling daughter down during such a trying period. I was not in a mood for anything. I kept to myself and when my mom came and hugged me during all of this, is when I broke down for the first and last time in this whole episode. I just could not hold back the tears and they came pouring out as I sobbed in my mothers' arms. She kept reassuring me and asking me as to what my thoughts were! I kept crying and then while crying I finally said to her ' Remember that one astrologer had said that I am going to pop it early!' and I continued sobbing.( I frankly dont know why and where that came from! Trying times have an uncanny way to get you to go deep and dig out some silly memories of even sillier events which would rather be put in the trash bin! In hindsight it seems rather filmy but at that point it was anything but dramatic!) At another time my mom and me both would have been mighty amused at what I said, as not a single thing any astrolger has predicted about me has ever come true!!!(Thats another story altogether, perhaps for another time!) But again at such times I guess the mind just latches onto the weirdest of stuff! This time around my poor mom just said 'Dont be silly, you know that lady was a psycho!'

When I could cry no more I just resigned to what was going to be and decided that I need to garner all my faith and strength , however tough it was going to be! That evening on my mom's insistence we went to my favourite place, Mount Mary. It gives me great peace and inner strength. I have very strong faith in Mother Mary and believe very sincerely with all my heart that she takes care and protects us! Something like this is very subjective but in my case its just very inherent. I dont know if it has anything to do with my convent education or its just ME! Just praying and putting a candle there makes me feel like I have done the needful at my end and now its God's turn to not let me down and do the needful at his/ her end! I managed to have a decent amount of sleep that night and the next morning when I woke up something had changed. I cant say what exactly! I got up with some more strength , courage and confidence. I managed to pray and meditate a bit before we left for the hospital and my aunt who is a doctor also accompanied us and her being there was a great help along with being a tremendous moral support as well.

God bless my friend Shweta who listened to her instinct and warned me about an MRI! Having gone through one herself and that too totally unprepared, she thought it her prime duty as my dearest pal and well wisher to have me prepared for quite a scary experience! And though that helped me equip myself to some extent, when I actually underwent the MRI, I can now safely say that nothing prepares you for that! God bless you if you are claustrophobic and have to undergo such an experience! Thankfully Im not claustrophobic perse but post the experience I feel even the strongest being can freak out after going into a small tunnel like structure, with a steel armour like sheath covering your face in the form of a shield! The procedure was to take 20 mins, which I thought was too long before I got into it, but later realised 20 mins would have certainly been better than being in there for almost an hour, if not more! After awhile, I lost track of time! I dont know how I survived that but from what I can recall, I meditated and chanted while in there and took deep breaths. When I had done enough of that I actually started counting till 60 and did 20 rounds of that and still remember that the time just was not passing! The last fifteen mins or so were the most difficult because by then I lost patience and my mind was willing to scream out loud saying, " Stop! I can take it no more". And this was the time they had injected some chemical/dye through the IV. My head was very heavy and my eyes were hurting. I really cannot fathom what kept me going. What was to be 20 mins took an hour as they had to do repeat scans since they expect no movement at all so that they get accurate images! And by no movement what they mean( which they dont bother telling you at all) is no swallowing, no batting your eyelids etc etc! How on earth can anyone who is undergoing such an unnerving procedure be expected to behave thus, unless you are a statue or a zombie or a corpse! Might as well make you unconscious or sedate you( which apparently is a norm abroad), as it serves two purposes! One is that by default you wont move and the whole process might actually get over in the stipulated time period and two,the person undergoing it will be more at ease as s/he will be totally unaware and saved of the whole trauma.

When it ended I was very thankful as it had left me both physically and mentally drained. My aunt and my mom came and hugged me and my aunt exclaimed that I had been brave and that she had walked out of the room twice as she cudnt even bear to see me go through it all, apart from the horrid, ferocious variety of sounds being made by the scanning machine( which was why they had given me head phones so that it could block off or atleast dilute the sounds and me in all my optimism thought that there might me some nice soothing music to calm me down!!)By now all that I wanted for myself was to go home and sleep.

Now there was another herculian task which was 24 hours away and that was the waiting period for the report, which was another ordeal in itself. By now I was more in a robotic mode and was almost on auto pilot! I was going about doing everything but my brain was numb. I had stopped thinking. It was like a self protective mechanism. The next day we all went to collect the report. When I got it in my hand, the only thing that should have stood out was the last line which said, " No singnificant abnormality in the brain or the pituitary!" My mother had tears of relief and joy but I wasnt able to feel anything. I guess the stress of it all had numbed my ability to feel, express or emote! I read that and then read the rest of the report whereby the first paragraph stated that the images had picked up something which were not further corroborated by the later saggital images( God knows what that meant!). But it was enough to have me a bit concerned till I had it checked by someone of expertise and got a totally clear chit! My gynac fueled my concern by saying that she wanted me to show my report to a neurologist or an endocrinologist while I kept asking why she cudnt just treat me. She reiterated that we need to get an opinion. The saga just dint seem to end!

It was a drill to get a specialist's appointment. We were getting dates that were almost a month away! And once again there was no way I was going to be able to wait that long! My dad gave his best shot once more and managed yet again to get us an appointment two days later.

I was seeing an endocrinologist in Hinduja hospital. I have still to understand why they have appointments and time slots allocated when they dont even remotely follow them. After a 2.5 hours wait I was finally summoned upon and my case history was taken by an intern/assistant. I was asked the most embarassing questions while my dad was with me. The intern was a male as well but I have to add that he was quite thorough with his job and skills. Finally the main doctor who had gone on rounds came back and saw me. He went through my reports in the most disinterested fashion and did the same with the intern's notes! I guess I cant blame him given the nature of his work. I wudnt really care for his level of interest as long as his treatment was good and thats the only thing I was bothered about. The first question he asked was , "How is a high Prolactin bothering you?" I was quite stumped and this was the last straw in the camel's back. Now I was literally at the point of getting hysterical! After all that I underwent I was now being asked how was this reading/ count bothering me!!! How am I supposed to know or even answer that. I was told that this count is high and I need to get a tumour ruled out and once that is done see a speacilist for the next plausible line of treatment! So though I wanted to actually say "You're the specialist, U tell me!!!!", all I could manage to tell him were the couple of discomforting symptoms that I was having and he felt that they were not necessarily related to the high Prolactin. According to him that could just be part of the overall PCOD! He did not feel that there was any need to medicate for the Prolactin and apart from saying 'Forget about it!', all he did was put me on a couple of supplements which he said should help alleviate or atleast reduce the symptoms. And ofcourse he cleared my doubt on the first paragraph of the MRI report and said that all it meant was that what was picked up was like an artefact as it was more to do with the imaging of the machine rather than what was in my brain! Phew!!!!!!!!! What a relief!!

Bamboo's mission accomplished! What was in it for me?! I still cant be certain or say for sure but yes I am certainly counting my blessings, be it my family who have been my angels without wings, my brother who got up at an unearthly hour in his corner of the world just because he wanted to wish me luck and cheer me up before my MRI and followed up diligently till I came out of this whole period, my friends, cousins and well wishers who stood by me rock solid and how all of these people had ONE thing in common, which was the unshakable faith that I would come out of this smooth and there would be no cause for concern, and they kept me going by encouraging me with their optimistic and positive outlook throughout. Last but not the least God or that higher force or reality that saw me through it all and let me come out of it fit and fine with a stronger faith and belief that someone up there did indeed do the needful at their end too! Like the famous words which kinda sum it up for me, "The will of God does not take you where the Grace of God cannot protect you!".

And yes also that I wasnt in the shoes of someone else like the jovial lovely gentleman who did his MRI just before mine and told my parents not to worry as I would be fine and that my scan would come clear, even though he himself had a pituitary tumour for the last 20 years, and everytime he had it removed surgically, it kept coming back! God bless him and many others like him who have every reason to break down or give up but dont and fight it with such great positivity and zest for life! On seeing people and instances like this I can honestly only have GRATITUDE!!!