Insomnia .......

Insomnia strikes again...... sounds almost like a disease or an epidemic which has suddenly raised its ugly head yet again....... And while I write this, I realise that Im not the only nocturnal creature awake at this unearthly hour .... I hear voices of the lovely people staying downstairs ..... At first I ask .. are these voices in my head... do I think im hearing things which Im actually not ... and it freaks me out so I decide that it must be the people living under us ..... Its strange how u get the most weird, unwanted thoughts at times like these ....... and then u realise that its best not to entertain them ........ U wud rather get thoughts that choose to entertain u at such times......

So back to the sleeplessness bit....... I wasted 3 hours just "trying" to sleep and then when the radio also refused to cooperate given that the cell went dead, was when I finally pushed myself out of bed and decided to make some good use of this wonderful phenomenon called Insomnia ....... Till date I have rarely used this to my advantage ... In other words I have almost never used this time period constructively ..... Its so ingrained that " U shud try to sleep nahi toh jitni neend aa rahi hai ya aanewali hai, woh bhi chali jayegi"...... and then you wonder who the hell came up with this hogwash... Kahin mil jaaye toh uski neend bhi uda dein....... The conditioning is so strong that it takes long and arduous effort to break away from ......

The next thought is trying to identify and pin down the culprit who has been responsible for this state ... and after much thought the only thing that comes to mind is that I had tea rather late this evening .... And though this is a pattern and it always follows the same cause and effect path ... I still feel ...What the hell ya .. so what if I had tea late ...... why should that be a problem but like many other questions , this one too does not have an answer.. If it does , it does and u just have to take it in ur stride and do what u have to do which ideally is not have tea afte a certain time..... Im still not convinced but it has happened way too often to not be convinced ........ So if I dont learn I have to face the consequences or not being a good learner ........

This time around another "ullu" friend of mine was up and awake as she is now on way to fetch her darling hubby from the airport ... So till now we exchanged a few smses and I finally took her advice and started to write my blog.......

And the first thought was .. what better subject to write on than this ..... And just when I was about to begin, I heard some growling sounds from my tummy so I decided to start by nourishing and feeding it.....I wanted the creative juices to flow better, so as to facilitate the thought flow needed for writing rather than being distracted with the hunger pangs...... Since I wanted them to flow in the direction of my brain and not my tummy I gave in and ate my favourite Bourbon biscuits..... after which I felt satiated and began to write .......

As I logged in, the yahoo home page came on and suddenly there was this pop up of "shaadi.com" which said ... 'meet ur life partner on shaadi.com" ... I suddenly felt nauseous and the whole joy of eating bourbon just vanished ......The kind of people I have come across and actually met when I accessed that site, the less said the better .. I wud have rather seen an ad flashing which stated.. " meet a partner and then suffer life imprisonment together"........ Before my nausea could grow more I quickly got out of there and got down to doing what I had set out to.......

Its been an incessant downpour all night and somehow , for once I dont know why but Im not enjoying it.......I dont know if thats part of this whole syndrome...... I just chatted with another friend now in America ... on such occasions the time difference is such a boon and a blessing ..... U feel less isolated and lonely......... Now she is gone so Im back to my writing .......

On most nights like these I just listen to music on my cell and try to sleep....... Sometimes God is kind also .. atleast he makes sure the songs being aired are soulful and enjoyable and sometimes he is so kind that all the songs are your favourites ... but the epitiome of his kindness is when most of the favourites are also associated with or remind u of a feeling , emotion or a memory long forgotten or dug away deep inside somewhere ......... The painful chord is struck and then suddenly it gets raked up all over again.... So along with insomnia, as a bonus, u also get to enjoy these perks ...... The only phrase that comes to mind to throw more light on this kind of a situation is " when rape is inevitable u may as well lay back and enjoy it"............

The good thing is that now my mind is distracted enough and Im flowing with the writing process...... though in bits and pieces I am reminded of my long day tomorrow and how it will go since I have a track record of being cranky, whiney and irritable when Iv not had my fair share of sleep..... And the cherry on the cake is when on such days I have my counselling sessions ...... At such times I almost feel like telling my client.." ok we are doing a role reversal today :)" .... The only trick on such days is to be as busy as possible so u have no time to think and the day just passes by and before u know it , night arrives and then u can look forward to some good quality sleep ........Sleeping in the day is not a good idea as that screws up my body clock even more .....

By now Im actually listening to many voices and people laughing loudly .... And Im like .. wow people do this by choice as well.. as in the 'staying up' bit .. but the people downstairs are pure night birds .. they are up almost all night and must be catching upon some beauty sleep in the day ..... On most nights my house floor vibrates because they blast on music and have parties way too often...... In jest I have invited the lady owner of that house to come over and experinece the wonderful vibrations herself the next time around, and all she does is smile and the suddenly laughs out loud ..... and dashes any hope I have that this pattern might end .....I know she has no intention to change anything..... And then from somewhere another thought pops up which says ...'Atleast someone is enjoying life to the hilt irrespective of what others think or feel'...... And sometimes depending on my mood I either think ...'what the hell... we shud complain .. how can u not think that you are disturbing others' or then..' what the hell.. they are only having a good time which by no yardstick is a crime'....... So all in all I just let it go..........

Its 4.30 am and all I have are some teeny weeny bits of sleep in my eyes and I know if I even try to go to bed in this state, all optimistic and hopeful, that my sleep will befriend me and we can sleep together happily ever after ..... this myth will be busted as soon as I hit the bed and all Il do thereafter is toss and turn for the next couple of hours .......A total waste all over again.... So not worth it .......

The feeling that your halfway there but have still not been able to cross over to the other side and cover the entire distance to your sleep, is not a good feeling at all...... It leaves you even more restless than when you started out.......I can still hear the pitter patter of raindrops outside my window .... this time softer than earlier...... almost sounding like they are also tired and want some respite ........


5am and am wondering ... should I really call it a day or actually a night and try to go to bed ... Am undecided and unsure which doesnt leave me feeling too great.... And suddenly something happens which transforms my confused state to one of certainty as to what Im going to do next.....My mother walks through the door and throws a glance which has " have you lost ur marbles' written all over it and Im quite sure that all I want to do now is to go straight back to my room and jump into my bed whether or not I get sleep otherwise tomorrow I might get a nice sermon of a concerned mother or rather concerned parents...... Anyway, since I have nothing more coming to me in the form of words, I kinda decide to end this piece and sign out ......... Till ofcourse my uninvited guest decides to knock on my door yet again.......