New Year Reflections!

Another year coming to an end! When I look back it feels like its been a mixed bag. The good with the not so good, the happy with the sad, the highs with the lows and many more such contrasts that usually are a part of the thing we call LIFE.

Its strange how when I begin to write I feel like I have a lot to say or share but often whilst in the process of doing so words just elude me. Either there is so much there that I dont know how to go about it or then I know exactly what I want to say but 'words dont come easy'.

For starters, this year has whizzed past. 'Time flies' somehow came alive when it came to 2011. So much happened in one year but at the end of the year, when I sit to recall all that transpired, my mind draws a blank. For me the recent few events stand out. The earlier ones seem like a blur.

At the end of a year I try and look at what I have achieved, more in terms of self growth. Its like when you started out, there was a mental list of things that you knew you need to work on and somewhere you put in all the necessary efforts to do that. Sometimes it works , sometimes you know you achieved part of it and you still need to work harder. But to me the most outstanding moments are the ones where things just happen which make you do stuff in an spontaneous manner and in those moments lie some of your own biggest breakthroughs, even though you did not set out to achieve that for yourself! Often you dont even realise that those aspects needed some working upon or polishing or changing. So in hindsight, to me those were the best happenings. And there is also so much that you learn about life or the workings of the universe through these events.

In this year life gave me a lot to both work upon and also reflect upon. And what stands out after all that is something that I will try to put into words so its also a reminder for me about what I have learnt and all that needs to stay! Some beliefs I had, got strengthened and reinforced, and some that I had not even thought about got imbibed. The way I have seen and experienced life in general, I have seen that 'the more you persist, the more it resists, and the more you resist the more it persists'! This is a mighty profound statement from whatever I have seen and understood in my own life and to me nothing else seems more true. The more you go after something the more it eludes you and the more you run away from something, the more it comes after you!

Another one is the fact that there definitely is a 'time' for everything and try as hard as you want if the time is not right or just 'not yet', it does not happen. This may sound fatalistic but atleast I feel it is true. For those who believe in destiny, that too may have a part to play here. And if I have to highlight this, the best eg would be that you try very hard and leave no stone unturned for certain things to happen, but they still dont! So there has to be something else operating here, a different plan, a bigger plan, a better time, or a combination of all these and other factors or then something else altogether.

Then there is something that I learnt about "healing"! If there is anything that heals that too in the most effective manner , its only TIME! Other things may help to some extent or facilitate the process of healing but its time alone that does the trick! And its self defeating to force or speed up the healing process, whether the healing is in relation to people, relationships, events , memories, grieving, or anything that truly requires to be healed! You need to let it happen naturally and its own time.

Something that I did not or could not believe in earlier was that if there is something wrong in your relationship with someone who truly matters to you, if you give it love and positive vibes from your end it will only change for the better. To me this was too idealistic and I always said 'easier said than done'! But overtime I decided to give it a shot and now I can say quite confidently that if at all thats the only thing that works. Nothing else does! It takes time and a good amount of patience is required as well but it does something miraculous in the end! I am truly amazed with how it works. Its very tough to do this if u feel hurt or pain but it requires baby steps, and a lot of faith and persistence. And its very tempting to give up when u dont see the results when you want to see them, but thats exactly when you need to hang in there just a little longer. There comes a time and a point in your own life when you just cannot carry on feeling bitter, sad, hurt or angry with someone or something. They did what they did but when you realise that its 'you' who is carrying the baggage, thats when you realise and tell yourself that it will have to be "you" alone who needs to shed that baggage! At the end of it all you need to travel light and it feels so much better! You let go, you forgive even if u cannot forget. The latter will happen when its meant to.

Something related or connected is the fact that you cannot change anyone, neither can you change their thoughts or feelings about anything. You may want to do that in many cases especially when you can see something that the other one cannot and that person may be dear enough which is why you hope that they can see it. But you need to and will have to take solace in the fact that if they are meant to see it they will but you cannot decide how and when that will happen. And yet again if they are not meant to, you just have to do your bit in whichever way and surrender and let go of the situation very gracefully and ideally without expectation even though thats a tough one! Its only human to expect but with all the experience you know better even if you cannot implement it right away. The awareness is a good starting point!

And last but not the least is something that is very close to my heart. Some people just walk into your life by default or by a stroke of fate or destiny and sometimes the relationships that you have with them are the best and most beautiful. They maybe part of your life in any capacity but what they bring along with themseleves is truly inspring, enriching or if I have to put in simple words, then they bring some sunshine into your life along with bringing a smile on your face! These people and relationships just happen, without you doing anything and thats when you realise how some things are just meant to be and that the universe does some really wonderful things which are beyond the human intellect and understanding. The more you actually believe in these, the more they will happen for you and if you do not you might just miss out on some lovely events and occurences that life has in store for you.

And to sum up, wishing a lot of pleasant times ahead in 2012 for everyone and may Faith and Hope supercede everything else! And if by any chance there is any truth to the whole bit about the world ending in 2012 then all the more reason to do everything that is on our bucket list and make sure we live it up before we pop it :)

When death comes calling!

This is certainly not going to be one of my normal or happy posts, but at the same time it is as real as hardcore reality can get! That reality which we often have a hard time accepting. And one major aspect of that reality is 'death'! Am sure most of us have experienced this phenomenon at some point in our lives when we had to deal with the 'passing away'of someone we knew. And its even worse when that 'someone' was very close or a very near and dear one! At first there is shock, where u almost freeze. Something within goes numb and then when the numbness slowly starts wearing off, there is denial followed by a flood of emotions which range from anger to sadness to grief. These emotions take awhile to leave you and while you experience these, at another level you are learning a lot about life and death! So much seems to be happening at so many levels and at the same time, consciously and subconsciously that you do not know how to deal with it!

When I take a walk down memory lane visavis losing dear ones to death, there is a list that comes up. Some being not as traumatic by the mere fact that I was not very close or attached to them, but it was a loss nonetheless. The others being quite close which basically include maternal and paternal grandparents, uncles, aunts, close friends' parents and a dear friend. Death is something you are never prepared for. Like people often say that when the person is either ailing or old, you know its a matter of time so in a way you are prepared. I honestly dont think so! It might be more appropriate to say that you possess the knowledge that this is likely to happen and someday it will as is inevitable, but by no means are you 'prepared'! Given the relationship you share with the person, the intensity of feeling always differs and thereby the impact might be more or less. Thats about it.

Very recently I lost my maternal uncle (my mom's oldest brother)! I was affected in more ways than one. My uncle always had such a dominant and strong presence along with a powerful personality, that its just impossible to believe that he is no longer around. I feel it even more when I now go to his house. Everything has his mark on it. His chair which was more like his throne, his bed, his things, all shout out loud in his absence! Something that made me feel quite horrible was the fact that I did not meet him before his demise and to make matters worse he asked about me the evening before he passed away. In my mind I had planned to see him the next day, but in hindsight it really doesnt help or make you feel any better! Its times like these that make you realise the meaning and importance of not waiting to do what you want to do becuase life in the truest sense sometimes never offers you second chances! All I could really do was offer a heartfelt apology while praying for him when we lost him and when his last rites were being performed.

The fact that my mom was very close to him just adds another deeper dimension to it. He was her eldest brother and hence like a father figure who was there for her always and helped her make some of her biggest and hardest decisions in life. For her, his advice was of utmost importance and she truly valued it and almost always followed it very diligently. She had her best childhood memories with him. Its like she possesses a treasure chest when it comes to memories of very pleasant events with her brother. And today she cherishes every single moment she spent with him and there is a sweet pain attached to the memories now that he is no more! That my mother adored and revered her brother will be putting it very mildly. The vaccum created by his absence will be tough to cope with. A big challenge apart from accepting his death has been seeing my mother go through the grief and sadness of losing someone who meant the world to her. When you see someone you love so much go through this and become so helpless, sad and vulnerable, you wish you could do something to reduce or ease the pain for them. Unfortunately you cannot wish away that which happened and all you can do is just 'be there' unconditionally and offer silent support! And you are only glad for being there as that really is the least you could have ever done to make it even slightly better for them, if at all!

In all of this I have also realised how important it is to 'grieve'! Grieving in some way helps you come to terms with what has happened apart from the cathartic platform that it provides. Crying is therapeutic and makes you feel like you just offloaded a whole lot which made your heart so heavy while it was still there inside of you. It makes you reach the point where you think that things are slowly limping back to normalcy! Its like a cloudburst, it came, there was a downpour and then things began to clear up once it was all over. And while it all lasted the emotions are more like the thunder and lightning that accompanied the cloudburst.

Some realities of life are heartwrenching to say the least. During all of this some images have stayed and I dont know if they stay for life or they heal in due course of time! Seeing a strong, active man who was always in charge, transformed into someone frail, helpless and towards the end a disfigured body, is something very distressing. Also moreso because he never ever saw himself in this state and dreaded the very thought of reaching a stage like that, so much so that he had made his family promise him that they would never keep him on life support as he hated the thought of living like a vegetable. I dont want to elaborate anymore on his physical state in his last few days or describe it in any kind of detail as that would be very morbid! For all of us it was terrible enough seeing him like that. Another scene that I just cannot get out of my mind is the fact that my cousin brother missed his dad by minutes. It shook and rattled my soul to see him trying to wake his father out of the 'declared dead' state and whispering his own arrival into his father's ears. It still gives me goosebumps! He literally begged and pleaded with his father to 'get up', but of no avail!

The cold heartedness of the medical team attending to my uncle was pathetic and how much ever I look at it from a hospital's point of view, for the life of me I cannot understand the "hurry" to disconnect the ventilator. That was our last and only hope and in the most candid and heartless manner the lady (a paramedic perhaps) announced that there was no point as the patient was indeed dead. Its a mechanical job for them and they probably do it day in and day out and cannot ofcourse afford to let any kind of feelings or emotions come in the way but it still did seem very inhuman! The 'just another patient' is someones' father, brother, husband and a lot more at the end of the day! You just console yourself saying that they were doing their job and probably they had someone waiting for the ICU bed and you dont want another family to go through the pain of losing their loved one, if there was the slightest hope or chance or survival or recovery for the next patient.

The whole proocedure that follows to get the formalities completed before you get the final discharge and are allowed to take the body away can be called the most cumbersome and draining especially given the frame of mind of the family. What has happened to your loved one has barely sunk in and then you have to go through this! A series of silly, stupid, inane formailities or procedures follow, one of which is to replace the stock of medicines personally and run from one counter to another as there are different counters for the stock of medicines and that for the payment of the same. Its high time they do away with such silly redundant procedures.

My uncle was someone who did not believe in religious rituals etc so he had made clear a lot of things which really did not leave any scope for the multitude of suggestions that you get from known/unknown people at times like these! His body was taken to the crematorium directly from the hospital and the burial took very little time. So at the end it was all over literally in a matter of minutes. A whole life and its journey gone! JUST LIKE THAT! The logical brain/mind understands that its only the 'body' that is cremated but still it feels awful to see that body go through the process of creamation because you identified with the person as his body. Its easy to say that the body dies and not the soul but after all you did know the person and related to him only in the body form. Its the physical body image that comes in front of you when you think of the person. And the thought of the body being burnt or put in an electric furnace is something that is very gruesome and unpleasant! I dont think I can really describe this the way I feel it but this is as close as it gets!

So much happened in just a few hours. You wish you could block it all out because its so painful but if wishes were horses, beggars would ride. There was only one train of thought that stood out for me when the day ended........................

U come into this world , live your life ,go through the various stages and phases of existence and in the end you go out of this world, wrapped in a piece of white cloth. Where you go no one knows, probably to that place where you came from!

All you do know and have to live with is the fact that how much ever you wish, pray or desire, you will never ever get to see even a glimpse of that person ever again or meet him or get to speak with him, or hear his voice! And then what hits you harder is the fact that you will at some point have to even deal with the mortality of your most loved ones. That leaves you feelig utterly insecure and helpless. It rattles your very core and there is nothing that you can do about it other than hoping against hope that you never see that day!

I had only one purpose for writing this post and that was to get all of this out of my system and hopefully get some closure for my uncle's death. While doing this I relived it yet again and there were unsettling feelings as well. Nonetheless I do hope that my grief has found some expression and that will help integrate this experience for me!

And last but not the least, my most earnest prayer is that my uncle's soul rests in peace and if there is an afterlife, wherever he is, he is doing just fine, just like the strong confident person that he was and the way we all knew him to be!

Dichotomies of Existence!

Something that I experienced last sunday has just stayed with me. For some reason I havent been able to shake off the whole thought process and the feelings attached to it. We live in a strange world, where dichotomies have always existed but sometimes they become so stark and 'in your face', thats its difficult to not think about them!

I read about a music event happening on sunday at a place called 'Aurus', which you can call a resto pub, a hangout place or a happening weekend/ night spot! The event sounded ineteresting so I decided to call in and check the details. Asked a couple of friends and then finally my cuz decided to come along. We reached early only to realise that the main event would begin much later. An international artist who was to perform was to come in only after a couple of hours. We decided to hang around for a bit nonetheless. The place is lovely and by that I mean the setting, the fact that it overlooks the beach and the sea. In Bombay you cant have a better view than that! We actually sat there and witnessed the sunset and apparently these events that happen there occasionally are actually called 'sundown' events. They cudnt have found a more apt name! As the evening advanced the crowd bagan to pour in. It was a mix but more of it were either the happening lot of todays teenagers or then the more elite socialites, who are often referred to as the 'page 3' bandwagon!

From where we were seated it almost felt like we were watching a film. And it surely was entertaining to see all that transpired around us and the eclectic mix of people with their own style statements and trends. And just then it suddenly struck me as to how two very different worlds can exist in the same world. Just then there was this girl who made sure she stood in every different corner of the place, struck very different poses and got the photographer to capture all of it. So while she was at it, in one of the spots the background happened to have an attendant sweeping the floor and that obviously wasnt a background for the picture she wanted! So she quickly came and had him get out of there. (And she also tried to make this one particular guy get up from where he was seated but she met with little success. But what later stood out about that guy was the fact that he wore a badge which read " I HATE FAKE PEOPLE"! :) It somehow seemed like he sure wanted to highlight that right there and then!) That moment something dawned on me! If you had to look at that woman and then you saw the guy who was sweeping the floor, they obviously did belong to two very very different worlds! And the dichotomy was just so stark. The haves and the have nots! Then on, the evening just transformed , more in my head than anywhere else. It was almost like something sparked off in my brain and refused to relent! Post that I just cudnt help but notice the 'dichotomies' more and more as they just stood out all the time! We dint hang around too much longer because there came a point where we cudnt relate to the crowd or the music, the latter getting more and more techno! And it was way too loud or maybe we were way too out of sync with whats really hip and happening currently! So we decided to make our exit! One of the staff members at the door even offered us bands just incase we wanted to return and we politely declined! Must be strange for him to see people actually leave before the main event when there was a long line waiting to get in!

Just as we waited to hail a rickshaw for our next destination the crowd dint stop pouring in! We were literally made to move away couple times cos we were in the way of some of the elite alighting from their stylish and luxurious vehicles while handing them over to the valet. We finally got a rick and decided to head northward to dine at a place called 'Caravan Serai'. Once again, my head was on a roll as soon as I looked at the rickshaw driver! His clothes, the dishevelled look, the whole appearance which exuded the whole struggle of a day to day existence! And my mind raced back and forth from the visuals at Aurus to this and then to other such things that I noticed that enitire evening! It was a certain train of thought and it just refused to stop. Even when we got to the restaurant and then when I saw the waiters or the other staff there I thought about their lives. The people around who had come to eat were people we could relate to. They seemed like they belonged to a world similar to ours. We felt at home! We moved to a coffee place later and there again were these young boys who served us. People who probably had this as a second job so as to help them make some more money.

All of it made me wonder as to how and who decides as to who will be born with a silver spoon and get it all on a platter due to an affluent lineage and never really know what the words 'struggle' or 'survival' really mean! And then there will be others for whom life is a struggle and another name for 'survival of the fittest' from very early on. And then there will be the 'inbetweens', which most of us may fall into! Even as I say this there is no 'opinion'/'judgement' of any kind or a condonement of one section over a bias towards another! Its just an observation and a thinking aloud of what these dichotomies are and how they exist! A matter of 'wonder' to say the least! Just makes you think as to how in the one larger world , many many smaller different worlds can exist! And how they can be so disparate from each other. The contrast is just so overwhelming sometimes, and though almost on a daily basis you encounter it all around you, there are times when it all stands out much more and you just cant get your head around it! If even only for a day we just notice all the different people we meet or whose services we avail of in some way, a certain realisation sets in! There is so much that we are so used to that we just take a lot for granted without really being grateful for what we are blessed with!

What I felt that day was not something new or alien to me! Iv felt it before but that particular day it all just seeemed to stand out bigtime! I dont think words have been able to do justice to what I really felt within and those feelings still linger somewhere deep down! Sometimes like they say what you feel cannot really be expressed in words as the latter almost always fall short. Some things can only be felt and experienced or experienced and felt! A statement that Osho made comes to mind to sum it all up... Life is indeed a schizophrenic experience sometimes, or rather more often than not!

Girls night out!

A girls night out is always fun! Had one after a long time and totally enjoyed myself. For one I was longing to go dancing since like ages. And that wish was fulfilled bigtime last night. I danced away and totally let go. Strangely the dance floor was full of girls and there were few guys. The reason being that stags are not allowed on the dance floor! Honestly I knew or rather thought that stags were not allowed in at all but once they were in, I wasnt aware of a rule where they were not allowed on the dance floor. The logic or rationale being that maybe they may get drunk and then try to act funny with women or somethig on those lines probably.

For once I felt bad for the guys. For all you know they may have been decent enough and have just come there like the rest of us to have a good time and so its quite unfair to not let them dance the night away and enjoy themselves just cos they dont have girls with them! From where my friends and me were dancing, we could see clusters of guys standing at various corners at the bar, grooving to the music. Then there were others who were standing just near the dance floor, dancing and still others who were indulging themselves at their own tables!

The venue was Firangi Paani at andheri and its quite a nice, spacious place with systems very much in place. There were bouncer kinda guys at both ends of the dance floor! The ambience and vibe of the place were perfect and the lighting and interiors set the right mood! We just chilled with drinks initially before we hit the dance floor and grooved away to the evergreen 80's/90's numbers! They never go out of vogue, do they!! Tarzan boy, Self control, Girls just wana have fun, Boney M and the list was endless! My request for the night was "Gime hope Joanna"! I just love dancing to that song for some reason! It really makes me want to jump and dance like there is no tomorrow!

The music then changed to trance which I can enjoy a bit but cant handle too much of and thats when we decided to feed our appetites and just chill at our table! After awhile the whole trance bit got too much and just when we were hoping that it should change, the DJ did the needful and started to play some great hindi numbers. No night out, especially when you go dancing, is complete without our very own desi beats! They just get out something else in you! The DJ started with Chhamak Chhalo and everyone went mad. (Atleast the songs did it for SRK, if not the film!) And then there were a mix of some old groovy numbers where we literally went all out and did some crazy stuff! We were so pooped that we could have dropped dead but the awesome music kept us going. The crazy, funky steps that you can do on our hindi songs, you just cant do even on some of the best english numbers! Atleast all of us in our group would vouch for that.

And since the night is usualy incomplete without the funny parts, here goes... When I looked at the menu and was deciding on which drink to order I glanced through a section that caught my eye because of the names of the drinks. I thought they were cocktails and the two between which I wanted to take my pick were, Screaming orgasm and Silk panties. I was very amused. The former blend seemed more exciting so when I had to place the order I strangely said 'Smoking orgasm'. The waiter dint get it and I gave him the benefit of doubt as the music was way too loud for anyone to hear anything unless the mouth of the one who spoke was literally stuck to the ear of the one who was supposed to listen :) So I repeated myself and he still dint get it and thats when my friend and me thought there was something wrong and looked at the menu again and then we both had the 'OH OK!!!' look on our faces and then I said 'Screaming orgasm' and we both burst out laughing along with the waiter ofcourse. I have no clue what made me change the 'screaming' to 'smoking'! The waiter then informed me that they were shooters which you finish at one go so I wasnt too pleased with that as I wanted to sip and enjoy my drink so then I asked about 'cocktails' and finally without wasting too much time settled for 'Sex on the beach'! :)

The other funny bit was when we were on the dance floor, there was this girl who was skimpily dressed and was dancing with a guy all along. Then suddenly out of nowhere she came and started to dance with one of us and was dancing too close for comfort and made some nasty moves. Initially we were amused but then she dint look like she was going to stop and my other friend went and started dancing alongside in a bid to help out. Then this babe was literally onto her and then she came to me and there was this point that I literally felt like she is going to smooch or kiss us. Thats how close she got! But thank God she then went onto someone else, specifically speaking a sardar who wasnt the guy with her and she merrily danced away, arm around his waist! Wonder where her guy and the sardar's girl were!!! :)

All in all a superb night which was totally dedicated to DANCING! And boy was I glad for that or what! Atleast for the time being I seem satiated. So a big thanks to Manj and Prats that we could work this out and there were no hiccups in the plan or the coordination bit. We decided and made it happen! Cheers to my girl pals for that!

And another heartening fact is that when you make sure you can organise things well and get things in order, you dont need the guys . I dont say that in a feminist way. I would love it equally if the men were around but its no longer like you cant go out and have a good time just cos you dont have guys with you. Another factor making a big contribution to it is that this is Mumbai city and overall, despite stray incidents happening, by and large we live in a safe city which will hopefully always be like that by the very nature and fabric of it! And to add to that the good places make sure they do the needful so as to make the women feel safe and the ratio of women to men yesterday was proof enough. Very reassuring!

To sum it all up, a great night dedicated to lovely friends, a perfect venue, good music and above all DANCE! :)
And looking forward to many more of such memorable nights out!!!!

Random Thoughts!

There is nothing concrete that I wish to write about today or if I could phrase that better it would be that, there is no one issue I want to talk or write about. Hence the title! They are thoughts that have come and gone. Some have stayed. I keep telling myself that there is a need to keep a writing book whereby I can just note down random thoughts and then it would help when I get down to doing stuff like this.

Anyway for now let me just ramble on.....

Watching a programme on t.v. which has Anu Malik in it. And just have this thought that I cant quite figure out who I dislike more, Anu Malik or Himesh Reshamiya! I have no idea why the comparison. Maybe its just the 'dislike' factor that is intense and common!

Speaking of Himesh, his songs and lyrics just go from bad to worse but yet get more and more popular. Its almost like its inversely proportional! And its amazing that this man actually gets roles of a hero! All the people involved in the making of a film which has Himessss bhai in it are either too courageous or are too foolish! Just throws light on the 'never say never' philosophy! Most people even when asked as part of a research randomly , whether they would ever see Himesh as a hero would have laughed away or said 'no way!' and see what happened!

Moving on. the October heat just does not seem to be receding. Literally speaking its still October but hoping that the advent of november brings along an actual season change as well! Personally for me there is an indiactor, probably very different from the general ones, that marks the arrival of the winter! Its a strange phenomenon which possibly may not have struck anyone or most people but I have marked it from year to year. There is an 'aroma' in the air and it smells of some kind of a spice. The closest that I can come to describing it is that it smells somewhat like nutmeg or alternately a mix of cinnamom, clove and nutmeg! I dont know where it comes from but I am guessing that some or many trees emit it. Its a wonderful aroma that almost lifts your spirit at once! This aroma has already set in, indicating that the winter has indeed arrived. Now the season just needs to take off! The aroma will just get more and more intense as we get into the thick of winter. Its lovely!

The whole hype about the F1 races in Noida just left me with one thought, especially after I watched glimpses of it on some news channels on t.v. and that thought was " Why cant we give the contracts for our roads to the people who built the track!" If they can do such a great job there bring them on to do this mighty herculian task!

Saw Ra.One! Went with no expectations and came back feeling nothing! It was not bad but neither was it great! Given that it revolved around gaming etc, I have a feeling that 'boys to men' would probably like the film by virtue of pure content alone! When the song Chhamak Chhalo was being aired initially, I did not seem to like it but overtime it has really grown on me and I always catch myself grooving to it! Akon has sung it very well and the part where he says 'akkiyon se akkiyan mila le' instead of 'akhiyan', somehow sounds very sweet!

Diwali has come to an end. The good part being that the pollution levels will come down which were enhanced due to the crackers. The sad part being that the lights will also now dim down and the festivity will disappear only to reappear during Christmas and New Year! The lights , the diyas will simmer away and the festive air will suddenly vanish! During diwali there is so much to do and there is such a 'feel good' factor attached to the festival that everyone's spirits just soar! One to two days post Diwali, all of us feel the vaccuum and say "Oh its already over!" Such is life I guess, everything being transitory in nature.

This year somehow seems to have flown by! We are nearing the end of another year and it just feels that it has been quick! I often wonder if we had no days, dates, months and years and no such measures of time how would it be or how would it feel!

When I began writing there were way too many thoughts in my head and now suddenly it all feels blank, like atleast as of now I have nothing more to say! There is music that I am listening to while writing this post and there is a thought relating to that too! What would life be without music and thats not a very pleasant thought I must add! There is nothing more apt and better than music to perk you up, anytime, anywhere! It can change your mood in an instant and can linger on and on, in a good way! So much so that I sometimes feel that when you visit a doctor for any/every ailment, there should be a note emborsed on every page of their prescription pad, more like a P.S. which says " Listen to music!". Music heals in such a miraculous way!

I end this post while I am still listening to some of Jagjit Singh's ghazals. One goes something like this " koi yeh kaise bataye ke woh tanha kyun hai", and the other one goes " tum itna jo muskura rahe ho", both from Arth! If there is a word more appropriate than 'profound' I would use it for such awesome lyrics and an even more awesome rendition of the same! I still cannot get myself to believe that this great singer has left this world and is no longer with us.

Ok something in me wants to end on a happy note so I am wondering what that should be! Maybe a happier song! So it's got to be "tumko dekha toh yeh khayal aaya, zindagi dhoop tum ghana saaya!" :) Its not a totally happy happy song but still is one of the happier ones and somehow just feels very soothing and reassuring. And its from an absolutely lovely film called Saath Saath!

The last part of this current post feels like an extension to my earlier post on Jagjit Singh but since I like this man so much I almost always get carried away while saying anything about him and I always feel the need to let it flow!

Tomorrow begins another day and another week and something happy and hopeful to look forward to and that part comes from the die hard optimist in me :)

The Ghazal Maestro!

When I switched on the radio this morning I just felt nice because I heard some of my favourite numbers and then I soon realised they had a common thread, that of being sung by Jagjit Singh. Then there was this sadness that crept up with a sudden realisation that dawned on me! They usually play such clusters either when its someone's birthday or when someone dies and the probability of the latter was higher since he was in the I.C.U. And then I finally heard one of the Radio Jockeys announce that this great singer with such an enchanting voice had indeed passed away. It felt sad , like a void and a vaccum and the corresponding thought was that we may no longer have songs that will reflect our deepest sorrow, pain or hurt, in relationships and in life! That feeling of 'wow someone understands our intense emotions and actually puts them into words and renders them as beautiful songs that touch the deepest core of our heart and soul" suddenly felt alien enough like it was some distant dream! Sure the songs are usually penned by profound writers but to lend a voice to those words that render them so soulful, is no small task!

Jagjit Singh has this deeply profound and haunting ( in a good way!) kind of voice which can tug at your heart strings and linger on and on much after the song is over. The pain in the voice is that of a person who sings from his heart and has seen life with all its peaks and valleys. I do know of his personal tragedies where he lost his daughter and then his son early on in life ! The classic "chithi na koi sandes" was written after his son's death, in his memory apparently. So the real pain always reflected in his singing as well. It was like this man felt and lived every emotion and feeling that the words in his songs evoked. He knew what it felt like when he rendered compositions like " apni marzi se kahan apne safar ke hum hain", or like " tum itna jo muskura rahe ho , kya gham hai jisko chhupa rahe ho!" These are my all time favourites . You almost felt like someone just peeked into your life and got out stuff that was burried under the many layers in your soul , like way down there where no one could go ! And that feeling was as daunting as it was reassuring!

I remember as a child we had this music album on an LP which had songs by him and his wife. I had two favourites then and those were the first ones I had heard. Till then I did not really know who this man was. One was " saare pindich puare aaye" , it was a punjabi song , so sweet on your ears that u really did not care that u coud not understand most of the words. And the other one being " woh kagaz ki kashti , woh baarish ka paani'. I was a kid then, so the profanity of the words eluded me, but I enjoyed listening to it nonetheless because it had words like nani etc and kids could relate to what was being described in the song in a childlike manner, though not in the way it was meant to be or in the way you would relate to it as an adult! After that introduction to this genius called JS , there was no looking back! 'Honthon se chhoo lo tum' and 'tumko dekha to yeh khayal aaya' are so soothing apart from being lyrical masterpieces and couple of my most favourite lines in the latter are " hum jisse gunguna nahi sakte , waqt ne aisa geet kyun gaya..... aaj phir dil ne ek tamanna ki , aaj fir dil ko humne samjhaya"..... so so beautiful and his rendition of the same have just made these ghazals evergreen classics. These songs literally give me goose bumps, especially when I listen to them in some specific phases of my life, when they suddenly become so meaningful and true!

There is something about his songs that anyone or atleast most people I know love. Everyone has atleast one favourite JS song if not more! And given our own life stories, we identify with the ones that resonate most with what we have individually gone through. For me that one or rather two are which I have already mentioned above! 'Apni marzi se' and 'Tum itna jo muskura rahi ho'! There is a phrase in hindi which does complete justice to his voice and describes it perfectly. It says "unki awaz mein itna dard hai ke seedha dil ko chhoo jaati hai". Literally translated into english will make it lose its essence, so I shall let that pass!'Hoshwalon ko khabar kya' is also a lovely song but my own bias against Sonali Bendre just dilutes its whole effect for me! I wish it was sung in honour of some true diva!

Its sad that he cud not do his last concert with another legend, Ghulam Ali! That would be so memorable, yet it came as such a disappointment for the fans who made sure they booked well in advance so they dont miss this beautiful opportunity. And what a stroke of fate that he took ill the same day or just the night before! Life can be so strange and unpredictable at times. But the bright part is that even after he has gone he will continue to live forever in our hearts through his soulful melodies. There never was and there never will be another like him! May his soul rest in peace and may his songs live on for generations to come.

A Menace called Rickshaw drivers !

Today I want to focus and concentrate on something that has annoyed me since a long time and the state of affairs just seem to be getting worse. Its been a really long time since autorickshaws have been plying on Mumbai streets. Years ago I clearly remember never having a problem with getting a rickshaw for commute from one destination to another. The rickshaw drivers were courteous and cooperative. I cannot clearly recall when and how things changed and why! But currently it has deteriorated to such an extent that it can be tolerated no more purely because there can be no justification to the behaviour and demands of these drivers.

Firstly they callously refuse to take you from one place to another, which if someone could just remind them is precisely what they and their vehicles are meant for. Earlier, they had issues about going from east to west or vice versa. Now they even have issues taking you within the east or the west. For those who know Mumbai and the suburban areas well, would understand the following. There are times I have tried to hail a rick from SV road santacruz to say SV road khar or bandra, just one straight road, and they have refused. Sometimes I actually feel like asking them if they would rather fly somewhere because they seem to have issues going anywhere and everywhere. Then there are those that will tell you that they will take you to a certain point and not beyond or into a particular area. And the tone is more like they are doing you some favour, though its on their terms and conditions. At such times, firstly people should ideally tell them to buzz off or if desperate to get somewhere just say 'Ok I will pay you less than what the meter reads cos you are not taking me where I want to go'! Then another norm these days seems to be them not having/ wanting to return change back to you. An easy way for them is just to say that they dont have it. Breaking signals is their right and they do it all the time ,even in stark daylight , which not to mention adds to the ever increasing traffic and creates more of a commotion. Thanks to all this our city just seems to be getting more and more uncivilised by the day and chaos seems to be the order of the day. Another aspect that almost always baffles me is that you may be going from point X to point Y almost daily ie the same route and the same place and the meter reading almost is different everytime. Once in a while you can blame it on the traffic or some other factor but not every single time. Its like say you have to go to a place which you know will be a minimum fare of Rs 11, given the distance, but in my experience and that of many others I knwo, it ranges from 11 to 15 or even more sometimes. If that is not a case in point of meter tampering then what is !!!

Then are the days of some problems that the city faces in the form of heavy rains or some other such aspects and again these very asses have the gall to ask for more fare and not go by the meter. Some heart and some audacity! I clearly remember that even on days of the train blasts some rickshaw drivers asked for more fare to transport people. These are days when they should have ideally gone out of their way to cooperate with the irate and vulnerable public and help tehm out in whichever way they could. But instead they added to their woes and stress by acting like totally irresponsible heartless human beings!

According to me, by far, the worst that they have done and continue to do is when they turn down old, invalid people. That is downright inhuman and unacceptable. I have heard of people complaining that they literally plead with them to take them where they need to go especially if its an emergency situation and someone needs to get to a doctor or a hospital, and they still refuse to cooperate. Its so disheartening to see an old person standing on the road and trying hard to hail a rick with no luck and most ricks just saying NO and going off like they have something better to do than their very own job. At such times I often wish we were empowered with certain rights as citizens to take strong action against such offenders or complain to an authority, which for once will handle this sort of stuff efficiently.

Most times we as women might just feel why take panga with such people as you never know what kind of an idiot you are dealing with and what if you get into trouble etc. We read incidents in the newspapers where these guys get violent. In the recent past an old man lost his life because he got into an arguement/ fight with one such character and then a gang of other drivers joined him to harass and beat up the old man who was eventually hurt on his head and lost his live eventually! These incidences do give you perspective and you wonder if its worth getting into any kind of interaction or dialogue with these people. To add to that we also have a conditioning that goes,' ke aise logon ke mooh nahi lagte' . The whole point is lagna bhi kaun chahta hai but how much nonsense can one tolerate! How long are we going to be held ransom to their whims and fancies. Today they have the guts to go on strike because they are being made answerable for their own follies. What kind of warped logic is that! In normal situations anyone not doing their job 'well' is also pulled up. Here, let alone "well", they are refusing to even do the very job they chose to do and they are allowed to get away with it, just because their union is handled by someone with the right connections and enough clout.

I think as citizens it might be a good start to give them a befitting reply by boycotting rickshaws for a day or like a weekend as the latter will not inconvenience people given that there is no pressure of reaching their work place etc! Maybe then, whether or not it makes a difference to them monetarily, atleast as citizens we are sending out a loud and clear message that their blackmail and bull shit will not be tolerated. If you are here to do a job just shut up and do it. As it is we deal with their fuss almost on a daily basis apart from dealing with ever increasing and tampered with fares. And the least we deserve is that our commute should be peaceful and problem free in the otherwise chaotic city that we live in!