Another year coming to an end! When I look back it feels like its been a mixed bag. The good with the not so good, the happy with the sad, the highs with the lows and many more such contrasts that usually are a part of the thing we call LIFE.
Its strange how when I begin to write I feel like I have a lot to say or share but often whilst in the process of doing so words just elude me. Either there is so much there that I dont know how to go about it or then I know exactly what I want to say but 'words dont come easy'.
For starters, this year has whizzed past. 'Time flies' somehow came alive when it came to 2011. So much happened in one year but at the end of the year, when I sit to recall all that transpired, my mind draws a blank. For me the recent few events stand out. The earlier ones seem like a blur.
At the end of a year I try and look at what I have achieved, more in terms of self growth. Its like when you started out, there was a mental list of things that you knew you need to work on and somewhere you put in all the necessary efforts to do that. Sometimes it works , sometimes you know you achieved part of it and you still need to work harder. But to me the most outstanding moments are the ones where things just happen which make you do stuff in an spontaneous manner and in those moments lie some of your own biggest breakthroughs, even though you did not set out to achieve that for yourself! Often you dont even realise that those aspects needed some working upon or polishing or changing. So in hindsight, to me those were the best happenings. And there is also so much that you learn about life or the workings of the universe through these events.
In this year life gave me a lot to both work upon and also reflect upon. And what stands out after all that is something that I will try to put into words so its also a reminder for me about what I have learnt and all that needs to stay! Some beliefs I had, got strengthened and reinforced, and some that I had not even thought about got imbibed. The way I have seen and experienced life in general, I have seen that 'the more you persist, the more it resists, and the more you resist the more it persists'! This is a mighty profound statement from whatever I have seen and understood in my own life and to me nothing else seems more true. The more you go after something the more it eludes you and the more you run away from something, the more it comes after you!
Another one is the fact that there definitely is a 'time' for everything and try as hard as you want if the time is not right or just 'not yet', it does not happen. This may sound fatalistic but atleast I feel it is true. For those who believe in destiny, that too may have a part to play here. And if I have to highlight this, the best eg would be that you try very hard and leave no stone unturned for certain things to happen, but they still dont! So there has to be something else operating here, a different plan, a bigger plan, a better time, or a combination of all these and other factors or then something else altogether.
Then there is something that I learnt about "healing"! If there is anything that heals that too in the most effective manner , its only TIME! Other things may help to some extent or facilitate the process of healing but its time alone that does the trick! And its self defeating to force or speed up the healing process, whether the healing is in relation to people, relationships, events , memories, grieving, or anything that truly requires to be healed! You need to let it happen naturally and its own time.
Something that I did not or could not believe in earlier was that if there is something wrong in your relationship with someone who truly matters to you, if you give it love and positive vibes from your end it will only change for the better. To me this was too idealistic and I always said 'easier said than done'! But overtime I decided to give it a shot and now I can say quite confidently that if at all thats the only thing that works. Nothing else does! It takes time and a good amount of patience is required as well but it does something miraculous in the end! I am truly amazed with how it works. Its very tough to do this if u feel hurt or pain but it requires baby steps, and a lot of faith and persistence. And its very tempting to give up when u dont see the results when you want to see them, but thats exactly when you need to hang in there just a little longer. There comes a time and a point in your own life when you just cannot carry on feeling bitter, sad, hurt or angry with someone or something. They did what they did but when you realise that its 'you' who is carrying the baggage, thats when you realise and tell yourself that it will have to be "you" alone who needs to shed that baggage! At the end of it all you need to travel light and it feels so much better! You let go, you forgive even if u cannot forget. The latter will happen when its meant to.
Something related or connected is the fact that you cannot change anyone, neither can you change their thoughts or feelings about anything. You may want to do that in many cases especially when you can see something that the other one cannot and that person may be dear enough which is why you hope that they can see it. But you need to and will have to take solace in the fact that if they are meant to see it they will but you cannot decide how and when that will happen. And yet again if they are not meant to, you just have to do your bit in whichever way and surrender and let go of the situation very gracefully and ideally without expectation even though thats a tough one! Its only human to expect but with all the experience you know better even if you cannot implement it right away. The awareness is a good starting point!
And last but not the least is something that is very close to my heart. Some people just walk into your life by default or by a stroke of fate or destiny and sometimes the relationships that you have with them are the best and most beautiful. They maybe part of your life in any capacity but what they bring along with themseleves is truly inspring, enriching or if I have to put in simple words, then they bring some sunshine into your life along with bringing a smile on your face! These people and relationships just happen, without you doing anything and thats when you realise how some things are just meant to be and that the universe does some really wonderful things which are beyond the human intellect and understanding. The more you actually believe in these, the more they will happen for you and if you do not you might just miss out on some lovely events and occurences that life has in store for you.
And to sum up, wishing a lot of pleasant times ahead in 2012 for everyone and may Faith and Hope supercede everything else! And if by any chance there is any truth to the whole bit about the world ending in 2012 then all the more reason to do everything that is on our bucket list and make sure we live it up before we pop it :)
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Friday, December 9, 2011
When death comes calling!
This is certainly not going to be one of my normal or happy posts, but at the same time it is as real as hardcore reality can get! That reality which we often have a hard time accepting. And one major aspect of that reality is 'death'! Am sure most of us have experienced this phenomenon at some point in our lives when we had to deal with the 'passing away'of someone we knew. And its even worse when that 'someone' was very close or a very near and dear one! At first there is shock, where u almost freeze. Something within goes numb and then when the numbness slowly starts wearing off, there is denial followed by a flood of emotions which range from anger to sadness to grief. These emotions take awhile to leave you and while you experience these, at another level you are learning a lot about life and death! So much seems to be happening at so many levels and at the same time, consciously and subconsciously that you do not know how to deal with it!
When I take a walk down memory lane visavis losing dear ones to death, there is a list that comes up. Some being not as traumatic by the mere fact that I was not very close or attached to them, but it was a loss nonetheless. The others being quite close which basically include maternal and paternal grandparents, uncles, aunts, close friends' parents and a dear friend. Death is something you are never prepared for. Like people often say that when the person is either ailing or old, you know its a matter of time so in a way you are prepared. I honestly dont think so! It might be more appropriate to say that you possess the knowledge that this is likely to happen and someday it will as is inevitable, but by no means are you 'prepared'! Given the relationship you share with the person, the intensity of feeling always differs and thereby the impact might be more or less. Thats about it.
Very recently I lost my maternal uncle (my mom's oldest brother)! I was affected in more ways than one. My uncle always had such a dominant and strong presence along with a powerful personality, that its just impossible to believe that he is no longer around. I feel it even more when I now go to his house. Everything has his mark on it. His chair which was more like his throne, his bed, his things, all shout out loud in his absence! Something that made me feel quite horrible was the fact that I did not meet him before his demise and to make matters worse he asked about me the evening before he passed away. In my mind I had planned to see him the next day, but in hindsight it really doesnt help or make you feel any better! Its times like these that make you realise the meaning and importance of not waiting to do what you want to do becuase life in the truest sense sometimes never offers you second chances! All I could really do was offer a heartfelt apology while praying for him when we lost him and when his last rites were being performed.
The fact that my mom was very close to him just adds another deeper dimension to it. He was her eldest brother and hence like a father figure who was there for her always and helped her make some of her biggest and hardest decisions in life. For her, his advice was of utmost importance and she truly valued it and almost always followed it very diligently. She had her best childhood memories with him. Its like she possesses a treasure chest when it comes to memories of very pleasant events with her brother. And today she cherishes every single moment she spent with him and there is a sweet pain attached to the memories now that he is no more! That my mother adored and revered her brother will be putting it very mildly. The vaccum created by his absence will be tough to cope with. A big challenge apart from accepting his death has been seeing my mother go through the grief and sadness of losing someone who meant the world to her. When you see someone you love so much go through this and become so helpless, sad and vulnerable, you wish you could do something to reduce or ease the pain for them. Unfortunately you cannot wish away that which happened and all you can do is just 'be there' unconditionally and offer silent support! And you are only glad for being there as that really is the least you could have ever done to make it even slightly better for them, if at all!
In all of this I have also realised how important it is to 'grieve'! Grieving in some way helps you come to terms with what has happened apart from the cathartic platform that it provides. Crying is therapeutic and makes you feel like you just offloaded a whole lot which made your heart so heavy while it was still there inside of you. It makes you reach the point where you think that things are slowly limping back to normalcy! Its like a cloudburst, it came, there was a downpour and then things began to clear up once it was all over. And while it all lasted the emotions are more like the thunder and lightning that accompanied the cloudburst.
Some realities of life are heartwrenching to say the least. During all of this some images have stayed and I dont know if they stay for life or they heal in due course of time! Seeing a strong, active man who was always in charge, transformed into someone frail, helpless and towards the end a disfigured body, is something very distressing. Also moreso because he never ever saw himself in this state and dreaded the very thought of reaching a stage like that, so much so that he had made his family promise him that they would never keep him on life support as he hated the thought of living like a vegetable. I dont want to elaborate anymore on his physical state in his last few days or describe it in any kind of detail as that would be very morbid! For all of us it was terrible enough seeing him like that. Another scene that I just cannot get out of my mind is the fact that my cousin brother missed his dad by minutes. It shook and rattled my soul to see him trying to wake his father out of the 'declared dead' state and whispering his own arrival into his father's ears. It still gives me goosebumps! He literally begged and pleaded with his father to 'get up', but of no avail!
The cold heartedness of the medical team attending to my uncle was pathetic and how much ever I look at it from a hospital's point of view, for the life of me I cannot understand the "hurry" to disconnect the ventilator. That was our last and only hope and in the most candid and heartless manner the lady (a paramedic perhaps) announced that there was no point as the patient was indeed dead. Its a mechanical job for them and they probably do it day in and day out and cannot ofcourse afford to let any kind of feelings or emotions come in the way but it still did seem very inhuman! The 'just another patient' is someones' father, brother, husband and a lot more at the end of the day! You just console yourself saying that they were doing their job and probably they had someone waiting for the ICU bed and you dont want another family to go through the pain of losing their loved one, if there was the slightest hope or chance or survival or recovery for the next patient.
The whole proocedure that follows to get the formalities completed before you get the final discharge and are allowed to take the body away can be called the most cumbersome and draining especially given the frame of mind of the family. What has happened to your loved one has barely sunk in and then you have to go through this! A series of silly, stupid, inane formailities or procedures follow, one of which is to replace the stock of medicines personally and run from one counter to another as there are different counters for the stock of medicines and that for the payment of the same. Its high time they do away with such silly redundant procedures.
My uncle was someone who did not believe in religious rituals etc so he had made clear a lot of things which really did not leave any scope for the multitude of suggestions that you get from known/unknown people at times like these! His body was taken to the crematorium directly from the hospital and the burial took very little time. So at the end it was all over literally in a matter of minutes. A whole life and its journey gone! JUST LIKE THAT! The logical brain/mind understands that its only the 'body' that is cremated but still it feels awful to see that body go through the process of creamation because you identified with the person as his body. Its easy to say that the body dies and not the soul but after all you did know the person and related to him only in the body form. Its the physical body image that comes in front of you when you think of the person. And the thought of the body being burnt or put in an electric furnace is something that is very gruesome and unpleasant! I dont think I can really describe this the way I feel it but this is as close as it gets!
So much happened in just a few hours. You wish you could block it all out because its so painful but if wishes were horses, beggars would ride. There was only one train of thought that stood out for me when the day ended........................
U come into this world , live your life ,go through the various stages and phases of existence and in the end you go out of this world, wrapped in a piece of white cloth. Where you go no one knows, probably to that place where you came from!
All you do know and have to live with is the fact that how much ever you wish, pray or desire, you will never ever get to see even a glimpse of that person ever again or meet him or get to speak with him, or hear his voice! And then what hits you harder is the fact that you will at some point have to even deal with the mortality of your most loved ones. That leaves you feelig utterly insecure and helpless. It rattles your very core and there is nothing that you can do about it other than hoping against hope that you never see that day!
I had only one purpose for writing this post and that was to get all of this out of my system and hopefully get some closure for my uncle's death. While doing this I relived it yet again and there were unsettling feelings as well. Nonetheless I do hope that my grief has found some expression and that will help integrate this experience for me!
And last but not the least, my most earnest prayer is that my uncle's soul rests in peace and if there is an afterlife, wherever he is, he is doing just fine, just like the strong confident person that he was and the way we all knew him to be!
When I take a walk down memory lane visavis losing dear ones to death, there is a list that comes up. Some being not as traumatic by the mere fact that I was not very close or attached to them, but it was a loss nonetheless. The others being quite close which basically include maternal and paternal grandparents, uncles, aunts, close friends' parents and a dear friend. Death is something you are never prepared for. Like people often say that when the person is either ailing or old, you know its a matter of time so in a way you are prepared. I honestly dont think so! It might be more appropriate to say that you possess the knowledge that this is likely to happen and someday it will as is inevitable, but by no means are you 'prepared'! Given the relationship you share with the person, the intensity of feeling always differs and thereby the impact might be more or less. Thats about it.
Very recently I lost my maternal uncle (my mom's oldest brother)! I was affected in more ways than one. My uncle always had such a dominant and strong presence along with a powerful personality, that its just impossible to believe that he is no longer around. I feel it even more when I now go to his house. Everything has his mark on it. His chair which was more like his throne, his bed, his things, all shout out loud in his absence! Something that made me feel quite horrible was the fact that I did not meet him before his demise and to make matters worse he asked about me the evening before he passed away. In my mind I had planned to see him the next day, but in hindsight it really doesnt help or make you feel any better! Its times like these that make you realise the meaning and importance of not waiting to do what you want to do becuase life in the truest sense sometimes never offers you second chances! All I could really do was offer a heartfelt apology while praying for him when we lost him and when his last rites were being performed.
The fact that my mom was very close to him just adds another deeper dimension to it. He was her eldest brother and hence like a father figure who was there for her always and helped her make some of her biggest and hardest decisions in life. For her, his advice was of utmost importance and she truly valued it and almost always followed it very diligently. She had her best childhood memories with him. Its like she possesses a treasure chest when it comes to memories of very pleasant events with her brother. And today she cherishes every single moment she spent with him and there is a sweet pain attached to the memories now that he is no more! That my mother adored and revered her brother will be putting it very mildly. The vaccum created by his absence will be tough to cope with. A big challenge apart from accepting his death has been seeing my mother go through the grief and sadness of losing someone who meant the world to her. When you see someone you love so much go through this and become so helpless, sad and vulnerable, you wish you could do something to reduce or ease the pain for them. Unfortunately you cannot wish away that which happened and all you can do is just 'be there' unconditionally and offer silent support! And you are only glad for being there as that really is the least you could have ever done to make it even slightly better for them, if at all!
In all of this I have also realised how important it is to 'grieve'! Grieving in some way helps you come to terms with what has happened apart from the cathartic platform that it provides. Crying is therapeutic and makes you feel like you just offloaded a whole lot which made your heart so heavy while it was still there inside of you. It makes you reach the point where you think that things are slowly limping back to normalcy! Its like a cloudburst, it came, there was a downpour and then things began to clear up once it was all over. And while it all lasted the emotions are more like the thunder and lightning that accompanied the cloudburst.
Some realities of life are heartwrenching to say the least. During all of this some images have stayed and I dont know if they stay for life or they heal in due course of time! Seeing a strong, active man who was always in charge, transformed into someone frail, helpless and towards the end a disfigured body, is something very distressing. Also moreso because he never ever saw himself in this state and dreaded the very thought of reaching a stage like that, so much so that he had made his family promise him that they would never keep him on life support as he hated the thought of living like a vegetable. I dont want to elaborate anymore on his physical state in his last few days or describe it in any kind of detail as that would be very morbid! For all of us it was terrible enough seeing him like that. Another scene that I just cannot get out of my mind is the fact that my cousin brother missed his dad by minutes. It shook and rattled my soul to see him trying to wake his father out of the 'declared dead' state and whispering his own arrival into his father's ears. It still gives me goosebumps! He literally begged and pleaded with his father to 'get up', but of no avail!
The cold heartedness of the medical team attending to my uncle was pathetic and how much ever I look at it from a hospital's point of view, for the life of me I cannot understand the "hurry" to disconnect the ventilator. That was our last and only hope and in the most candid and heartless manner the lady (a paramedic perhaps) announced that there was no point as the patient was indeed dead. Its a mechanical job for them and they probably do it day in and day out and cannot ofcourse afford to let any kind of feelings or emotions come in the way but it still did seem very inhuman! The 'just another patient' is someones' father, brother, husband and a lot more at the end of the day! You just console yourself saying that they were doing their job and probably they had someone waiting for the ICU bed and you dont want another family to go through the pain of losing their loved one, if there was the slightest hope or chance or survival or recovery for the next patient.
The whole proocedure that follows to get the formalities completed before you get the final discharge and are allowed to take the body away can be called the most cumbersome and draining especially given the frame of mind of the family. What has happened to your loved one has barely sunk in and then you have to go through this! A series of silly, stupid, inane formailities or procedures follow, one of which is to replace the stock of medicines personally and run from one counter to another as there are different counters for the stock of medicines and that for the payment of the same. Its high time they do away with such silly redundant procedures.
My uncle was someone who did not believe in religious rituals etc so he had made clear a lot of things which really did not leave any scope for the multitude of suggestions that you get from known/unknown people at times like these! His body was taken to the crematorium directly from the hospital and the burial took very little time. So at the end it was all over literally in a matter of minutes. A whole life and its journey gone! JUST LIKE THAT! The logical brain/mind understands that its only the 'body' that is cremated but still it feels awful to see that body go through the process of creamation because you identified with the person as his body. Its easy to say that the body dies and not the soul but after all you did know the person and related to him only in the body form. Its the physical body image that comes in front of you when you think of the person. And the thought of the body being burnt or put in an electric furnace is something that is very gruesome and unpleasant! I dont think I can really describe this the way I feel it but this is as close as it gets!
So much happened in just a few hours. You wish you could block it all out because its so painful but if wishes were horses, beggars would ride. There was only one train of thought that stood out for me when the day ended........................
U come into this world , live your life ,go through the various stages and phases of existence and in the end you go out of this world, wrapped in a piece of white cloth. Where you go no one knows, probably to that place where you came from!
All you do know and have to live with is the fact that how much ever you wish, pray or desire, you will never ever get to see even a glimpse of that person ever again or meet him or get to speak with him, or hear his voice! And then what hits you harder is the fact that you will at some point have to even deal with the mortality of your most loved ones. That leaves you feelig utterly insecure and helpless. It rattles your very core and there is nothing that you can do about it other than hoping against hope that you never see that day!
I had only one purpose for writing this post and that was to get all of this out of my system and hopefully get some closure for my uncle's death. While doing this I relived it yet again and there were unsettling feelings as well. Nonetheless I do hope that my grief has found some expression and that will help integrate this experience for me!
And last but not the least, my most earnest prayer is that my uncle's soul rests in peace and if there is an afterlife, wherever he is, he is doing just fine, just like the strong confident person that he was and the way we all knew him to be!
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