This issue has been on my mind for the longest time and I have tried to understand it on a personal and a professional level. Lot more needs to be understood and researched I guess, if we need some real answers as nothing is black or white and there is always a lot of grey! Unfortunately, given the very nature of it , one always tends to either talk about it as part of gossip or in hushed tones! Very few understand the gravity of it and show the deserved sensitivity. The issue that I am talking about is that of "extra marital relations/affairs"!
After much deliberation and thought, I realize that no two cases are same and no two couples go through the same thing. There may be common threads running through all such instances that have happened or are happening but we cannot generalize. And the fact of the matter that will always remain is that ONLY and ONLY the couple may know the reality and truth of what transpired or happened between them to give rise to this, whether or not they choose to admit it in front of the world. The way I see it is, marriage by definition is a monogamous and sacred institution which is precisely why we refer to it as 'holy matrimony'. So anyone who has entered this contract of marriage needs to honor the vows taken/promises made and go by the clauses of the marital contract. Any kind of affair/liaison/fling is a breach of this contract. And this is only one angle. The mental and emotional trauma caused by the 'cheating' partner to the one at the receiving end is enormous and long lasting. It can leave scars for a lifetime and healing the same is not the easiest task. That apart, the whole trust issue and the question being , if they can ever believe and trust all over again.
No marriage is ever perfect or a bed of roses. There will always be issues. Very often an extra marital affair is the easiest way out as, no one then needs to bell the cat or admit that there is a problem , let alone working on it. This liaison gives an illusion and temporary escape route but when the newness and thrill of it fade off, the person concerned is left in a worse situation than the one they began with. It gets messy on all levels. For those that are never found out, they gloat in the glory of being smart enough to have pulled it off, and get into an unhealthy pattern of such affairs. They are not only cheating their spouses and kids but also deluding themselves as one law of the universe that never ever fails is the 'law of karma' where undoubtedly and unfailingly what goes around comes around. Like it or not and admit or not, sooner or later you are doomed in one way or another.
It is often disgusting to see or hear the boastful attitude of the 'cheaters' or the 'unfaithful' ones. There is no element of regret or remorse and some even go to the extent of blaming the spouse saying that s/he pushed them towards an affair as they are the ones responsible for the deterioration of the marriage. This is often the so called 'grey' area. Even if for a minute we believe this to be true, then there are constructive mechanisms that can be accessed. One can seek the intervention of friends and family, if things cannot be sorted at the couple level alone or then seek professional help. What is ironical here, is that often the one who cheats has in his /her head the reasons very clear but has never bothered to communicate the same to the spouse. Therefore when it all comes out in the open and mud slinging happens between the couple, the one who has been cheated is shocked at two levels, one because of the cheating and two, because they never even felt that there was something wrong in the marriage to begin with. This unfortunately is the most ridiculous situation to be in.
From what I see around me, in majority of the cases, the reasons may be, apart from many others, a breakdown in communication, monotony and boredom, health issues, lack of time for the spouse/marriage, just outgrowing each other with no good reason, not being able to see eye to eye on any matter, constant fights over domestic/children related matters, Sexual incompatibility or incompatibility in general, a change in the physical appearance of the partner( therefore impacting the so called 'attraction quotient!'). This last one however shallow it may sound, is very often a major factor. To quote an instance, I had a couple who came in where it was the husband who had the affair and one main reason he cited was the fact that his wife had put on too much weight, so he no longer felt attracted to her. In this case, the wife, for the life of her could not understand how the love of a husband can increase or decrease according to the size of her body! (Quite profound!) What I found most strange here is the fact that the husband was also quite heavy and balding, but the wife for once dint even think that she should look outside. Very often there is no insight into yourself at all, but you are quick to put the whole onus on the spouse. When you love someone you love them unconditionally. Do we love our parents, siblings or friends any less when they add weight/reduce weight or when their appearance/health changes in any way!? But like it or not, marriage is a very different ball game and though this is ideal case scenario that you should love your spouse totally and accept them unconditionally, it is often not the case. I am quite convinced, reading some research and going by my own findings that 'gender' and 'conditioning' play a big role here, but there are always exceptions that prove the rule. Also subjective ideas as to what 'should be' or how your spouse 'ought to look and behave' are key factors here.
As a person and moreover, as a therapist I have always believed in two aspects very strongly. One, it is better to be single than marry the wrong person out of desperation and two, a broken marriage is far better than a bad marriage. There are various schools of thought on the latter, especially when there are children involved . The most erroneous one is where the couple are told to stay together and make it work as there are children involved.. It is very counter productive in the long run. If research were to be done in this area over a span of time , one would realize that the children of divorced parents do better and are better adjusted than the children of those who continue to stay in bad marriages. The simple reason being, in bad marriages there are regular and ugly fights, sometimes on a daily basis. This has a very negative impact on the psyche of the child. There is mud slinging each day and the most unhealthy aspect is when the 'children' are used by one/both parents against the/each other. On a daily basis there is resentment , negativity and bitterness that each person goes through in the family set up , be it the parents or the kids or both, In such cases it is always best to part ways amicably and spend individual quality time with the kids and that is healthy for both the parent and the child.
One statement that I hear often again is, "It was only a fling , nothing serious, I still love only my husband/wife" . What on earth is that supposed to mean! And mind you, the 'only a fling' had sexual intimacy, emotional involvement , spending/splurging, of time and resources(money) and the list goes on. This just goes to show the warped ways in which a person's brain works and how they choose to believe their own delusional ideas. It may be some sort of justification they give themselves or part of the 'dealing with the guilt' phenomenon. Having said that, when I've often asked the cheating partner if they would be 'alright/comfortable', if their spouse decided to go and have that very same 'not serious fling', believe me the answer is always a resounding NO! Double standards at their best! In my professional life, it has almost always been that the husband had the affair and the wife was left coping, but I know for a fact that is not always the case. There are enough and more women out there these days who are having the affairs and flings and the husbands have been at the receiving end. So its not fair to make a gender judgement here! It is only fair to say that these are people/ human beings who choose to do indulge in this irrespective of caste, age, strata, status, gender etc!
There are no simple answers or solutions to the issue of extra marital relations but there is certainly some food for thought .......
- For starters, if you think you are a polygamous creature in the form of a human being or who likes variety, then please do yourself and others a favour and 'do not' get married. Very often this is another absurd arguement that I get to hear and it goes something like ...." We are polygamous by nature so it is impossible for us to stay with one woman/man for the rest of our lives". What they forget is marriage is a 'choice' they have made for themselves. If, as an adult you have made that choice, stick by it for better or worse and if you are so unhappy, get out of it and then do what you want. You CANNOT make innocent people go through so much hurt and trauma because you choose to be unfaithful.
- Another factor playing a huge role is when, after marriage when we take our spouses for granted! You have to be there and 'present' in the marriage, throughout. It is not going to work by itself. You cannot just be there when it suits you or you want your needs met (at various levels!). Even when the excitement and thrill fades, you have to pump it all back in, even if it takes a lot of effort. Keep reinventing yourself and do fun, exciting things together. Make time for each other.
- The biggest problem arises when the 'we' in the marriage changes to 'I" and the approach gets self-centered. It cannot be about 'individual' needs. It has to be about "mutual" needs.
To conclude, there are no easy options, answers , solutions but maybe, having more insight into our own behavior/ motivations/compulsions will go a long way to help us understand ourselves and others better. If this menace is here to stay, we might as well equip ourselves to deal with the onslaught of it to the best of our ability, capacity and with as much grace, dignity and sensibility.
