Celebrating SINGLEHOOD!

This is one I have wanted to write for the longest time. It has been one helluva journey, though one that I would not trade for anything else. And that is purely because it has transformed me into the person that I am today and I am super proud of that. Very few people have seen this closely. My parents and couple of very close friends. I still cannot see what they see and I do go by it when they tell me I am anything but the person that I was few years ago. And believe me it is a compliment.

When I finished my post graduation, I wanted to work for few years and get married by the age of 26/28. In the original scheme of things I should've had two kids by now! But like they say life is what happens to you when you are busy making other plans. And that is pretty much what happened to me too. I am a strong believer of things happening for a reason even if you don't right away get what that reason is.

When I began looking for alliances it became quite clear at the outset that I cannot fit into the whole arranged marriage bracket/ market. I like to use the term market because they treat humans like commodities and objects and marriage as some kind of a trade or one sided transaction (mainly the girls' side). More about that in another post probably! I hail from a rather progressive family which gave me wings and roots both. Gender never mattered and I am very grateful that my parents, especially my mom brought me up the way she did! Thanks to this upbringing, I am my own person today and I have been able to blossom into all that I stand for and encompass! The true essence of me shines through! Very immodestly I can state that I am a force to reckon with, in a positive way, most certainly.

Having tried all possible systems, which include regular matrimony, newspapers, bureaus, online sites and whole drill, I can today safely say that I did not leave a stone unturned in my search for a life partner. I realized eventually that I was looking for a soulmate and not just a husband and it was hard to find that through systems like these, but I did try very earnestly. If for nothing else, in hindsight I can always put my hand on my heart and say very honestly that I tried and made every effort because sometimes much later on, we regret not doing what is in our hands!

Since I am the kind who tries to look at lessons and what I have learnt in my journey so far I always looked at this area and tried to understand what did it really teach me ?! My 'singlehood' has taught me a lot and I am very grateful to the Universe/God for the last ten to twelve years of my life because it has been pure growth and evolution. When I started out I was naive, vulnerable, idealistic and wore tinted glasses when it came to marriage and relationships. I was always quite mature for my age at most points in my life but having said that I don't think I had the necessary maturity to handle the institution of marriage in a healthy manner. Had I married much earlier I think today I would probably be at crossroads , feeling stifled and suffocated and not knowing where I am really going or where I really want to go. That is certainly not a nice or safe space to be in with a family that includes, husband, children and probably inlaws! I can afford to feel like that today as part of my whole single status, as I am responsible for only myself. My decisions bear consequences only for me which I could afford only in this single space.I have been pretty much single most of the time barring a few encounters. I call them encounters and not relationships as they were something else altogether. Again I only learnt and evolved having them. They were painful due to the kind of people involved but somethings just happen and you cannot control it. They are part of your repertoire of life experiences and maybe also involved settling some karmic scores.

The society we live in makes it pretty hard for you when you are single. The various reactions I have encountered in this journey vary from being looked at as a freak, to a dangerous entity who will contaminate other young singles by some deadly ideas or mindset. People also look at you suspiciously and almost always assume there must be something terribly wrong with you and judge you. They have decided that you have a tall order and /or are rigid and that is why you have'nt found a man for yourself. Some even look at being single as some deadly disease that might just be contagious so other singles should stay away from you or people at large should just be safe and away from you. When you do not fit into the mould that society or norms have created for you, you are quite lethal. I have also received condolences for being single and a often been looked at as a "bechari" and most relatives pity and feel sorry for my parents since they have an 'unmarried' daughter at home! Some people have even hit below the belt and in arguements thrown their 'married' card in and looked down upon me saying "oh, you toh don't even have a man in ur life?". For me it was always ... SO?!!!! How does that make me a lesser human being or any different from you or anyone else. Why is being married or having a man in your life considered a 'be all' and 'end all' of life! Why do I have an identity only when I have a man in life. Why is the person that I already am not enough to be my own identity! I pity people with a thought process like this. For all their education and seeing life, it failed to open their minds.

Also, what most of these people and society does'nt get is that many if not most of us are single by CHOICE! Its a concept they just cannot fathom or understand. Today I have met enough men and I could have gotten married to someone but I CHOSE not to and why is that so hard to comprehend. And why are we made answerable? Why is NO not an acceptable answer without having to justify why it dint work! I have met jerks, MCP's ( male chauvinist pigs), spineless men, selfish, self obsessed men and the list goes on. None of these category of men ever interested me, so marriage is very far fetched. I have a tremendous problem with society deciding on my behalf or assuming that if unmarried, I must be having some problem or if not having kids, couples must be having a problem! The whole element of "choice' just is never looked at or conveniently ignored. If you chose to use a brain that God gave you for making your own life decisions you are ostracized and alienated. Because society was always like that , for quite sometime I also looked at myself with 'oh you poor thing' attitude and felt bad for myself till I grew into a person who knew better and learnt to enjoy my single space rather than feel sorry for it. I would always pity myself around Valentine Day and around Christmas and New Years' as I was single. I did that to myself for years and today the person I have become feels bad for what I did to myself but I am glad that I know better now.

I pretty much believe in the existence of a God for all the things that did not happen in my life as opposed to the ones that did. Had I married earlier I would've probably made myself a doormat as I was always putting other's needs before my own. I would've happily gone along being known as someone's wife, daughter in law and mother. The "I" that I have become today would be completely lost at the very own cost of myself.  In this journey I have learnt to love myself a lot more and stand up for my own needs and desires. Earlier I always gave into others' needs and desires and got taken advantage of. My being single has taught me so much! It has taught me patience , to wait for what I both deserve and desire, it has taught me to enjoy time with myself which I never could do earlier. I was always needing people and company around me and restless when left alone. It has given me small though underrated pleasures like spontaneous night outs or night overs' at friends', solo trips without checking with anyone, staying home alone and reading my favorite author or like now, staying home alone and writing my blog without feeling sorry for myself that I have to be indoors on a saturday night just because I don't have a man. It has taught me to appreciate my girlfriends much better and cherish my time spent with them. Girlie outings are way too underrated too! Last but not the least it has given me extended time with my parents and I am truly grateful for that. When I started looking for the advantages of being single rather than the disadvantages I found plenty! Basically being single has made me appreciate my own company much better, love and value myself more , explore my passions more, be comfortable in my single space without feeling apologetic for it. Being single has given me strength and courage that are hard to explain. I feel empowered and liberated. And today more than ever, I feel I am ready to handle a relationship/ marriage much better, if it ever happens. I wait for my soulmate and I believe that soulmates have to complete individual life journeys before they embark on journeys together as partners! I have learnt to just go with the flow and not question. And I could'nt have been at more peace with myself.

I recently saw a movie called " How to be single" and so much of what they showed was simple and non complicated. I could completely relate to it and identify with a lot too. One of the most beautiful aspects was that the protagonist realizes that she was only comfortable being in relationships as she never really knew how to stay single and it scared her so she was just happy that a man wanted  to be with her and it was a lot about him rather than her! Till she comes to a point where she is made to realize by her best friend that all those relationships were more about the men and not her and more about her just being in the idea of love rather than "love" itself. I realized how much sense that made to me because for me too it was always about the men and not me and always about the idea of being in love! It was never about, is this man or relationship good for me?! What do I really want from it ? In short I really had to find myself before I found my man. Today I feel I am almost there and if a man does arrive he will arrive for the right reasons and stay! Today I will not attract emotionally unavailable men like I did earlier because today I feel emotionally complete within myself! I feel whole so I will attract another 'whole' person! At this point I will only get what I truly desire and deserve because after a long drawn journey I have realized my own worth! The vibe I emit currently is healthy and my aura is light and happy. I am no longer operating from a clingy and needy space. Till I find the right man and the best relationship for me, I am happy and comfortable being single and enjoying every aspect of singlehood! After years I have understood what a nice space it is to be in and I wont give it up till I get a better deal and that is only because I love and value myself enough now more than ever before!

Airlift!

I wanted to write something light today. So I chose this. Saw the movie this evening and really liked it. Anything that is based on a true story is always far more appealing! So much less drama and bull shit. I really don't remember this incident from the year 1990 so I have no idea how much reality they have stuck to but atleast seems like not much was distorted. These kind of stories leave less scope for distortion. I also enjoy them because they are short and crisp. They don't go on and on. They have a story to tell and they just stick to that.

It is super scary to be living in another country as a second rate citizen and then have to go through this and not know what next! Will we live, will we die or what will become of us! You tend to shudder when you are at the mercy of lunatics been given guns to go and play around with and get trigger happy as and when they feel like. Some scenes depicting the apathy, sadism and insanity on the part of the army personnel is as appalling as it is scary! There is one scene that shows army guys who are young kids and they go berserk looting a house where they come across a huge soft toy of a bear and they scream and shoot saying 'Lets kill this Kuwaiti bear.' Shows the mindset and mentality. Its a goddamn soft toy! It was really like Kuwait = Kill and that is all inclusive. There is another scene where an Iraqi soldier asks that a particular Kuwaiti woman gets handed over so his boys can have some fun! These and more really do send shivers down your spine. And to think these are human beings! Thank God the movie has stuck to less brutality though much more must've happened in reality.

It is sad indeed that the Indian foreign affairs ministry sat on its back side and dint spring into action immediately the way it should have. As rightly pointed out in the film if it was Big Daddy they would have made sure their people were evacuated asap! But God bless the few who were instrumental and whose conscience was probably asleep but far from dead. They were selfless enough to take charge and persist even when the chances were bleak. For once I felt like standing up and saluting Air India as it operated 488 flights, as shown in the film (if these are true statistics), to get home the stranded Indians! They flew over a war zone and did what they could and how! Hats off! That is true patriotism! The last ten minutes of the film where they show the Indians coming back just makes you feel so relieved. Just the fact that a fellow Indian who is a practical stranger to you but still went through adversity and ordeal and came out unscathed makes you feel ecstatic! Its the whole Indian sentiment and it always touches some chord of your heart bigtime. I only cried in those last few minutes( yes I cry in movies, songs and ads!!) Its like someone rattled and shook up all of my Indian fibre!

Coming to the cast, there are supporting characters who do full justice to their roles. Kumud Mishra as Mr Kohli from the external affairs ministry was one of my favourites. The transition from an indifferent 'babu' to a true blue Indian who felt for his 'tribe' irrespective of where in the globe they were, was so heart warming! This man is an actor par excellence. Have seen his performance in theatre on stage and cant admire him more.
Nimrit Kaur, a strong woman who stands by her husband as his pillar of support and strength, taking charge when she really has to, formidable!
Akshay Kumar I really fell in love with! I am not a fan of his or anyone from the film industry but honestly speaking it's his character that I fell in love with. His entire persona. Even his transition from a shrewd ruthless businessman to a sensitive responsible and reliable Indian national was quite admirable and nothing really filmi about it. The man's character that is shown evolving in the movie was interesting. Very human and vulnerable at times and brave and solid who acts as per the need of the hour at other times. What I loved about his character was the fact that he was reliable, brave and selfless( an eventual revelation). To me he felt liked the Raymond man, perfect in every way! A woman's man completely. A loving and caring husband, a doting father, loyal, strong, brave and reliable. What more do u need! Ok I've got a bit carried away but just like cinematic liberties exist, I am taking some writer liberties.

The soundtrack is nice! Songs are not out of place or thrust upon you. They are placed appropriately and manage to evoke the right emotion in you. I loved one song . Leaving you with it too. That is constantly humming in my head. I loved it before I watched the movie and I love it much more after watching it! And to top it all the male version is by the current God of Indian singing, Arijit Singh! How can this man such a sexy and deep throated voice. Soulful indeed and the female version is as so annoying compared to the male.Just because you are a relative of Gulshan Kumar you find yourself a place in the world of singing however nasal your voice is! Grrrrr! But I will only focus on the male part! This one is going to be my anthem for the next few days and on loop till I find a new and better one to replace it!

But..... WHY?!

Disclaimer : I love men and if ever, I intend to marry a man! I am as heterosexual as can be! And that is my sexual preference, though I am also all for gay rights! This disclaimer comes in purely for those who think I am some deadly feminist of the dangerous kind and that I love male bashing. I love women bashing too and I promise one of my future posts will be about that. I am a humanist. Unfortunately its women who get more marginalized so I take up for them. If men get marginalized I will most certainly take up for them too! I am all for MAVA( Men against violence and abuse)! We need more organizations like these if atrocities against men rise and even while I type this I cannot help but smile! That most certainly is the sadist in me! Jokes apart, I love all equally. 

So this post is about systems and norms more than people. Those systems that self perpetuate purely because people choose not to think or question. They go on with blinkers. And the 'thinking lot' of people gets branded as rebels, feminists and activists as though they are some kind of terrible terms to begin with. My logic is simple! God or a higher power gave us an intelligence for a reason. We ought to use that to understand, discern, question and a lot more! Just because things have been a certain way does not mean they have to continue being like that. Kyunki aisa hota aya hai uska matlab yeh nahi ke aisa hi hona chahiye! (Somehow sounds better in hindi!)

I don't know the origin but I would like to know where and how the male dominance or superiority came in and why! Having said that I most certainly am grateful to be born in a progressive Hindu family in today's day and age where my brother and me were brought up with no difference and preference visavis gender. Yes my grandparents had a certain affinity to boys but I choose to let that go given that they did not know better, visavis their own upbringing and conditioning. 

Men and women are like ying and yang. Both require and complete each other.  That one is superior than the other, is as erroneous as can be. And if one were to still want to argue then women win hands down given that the universe chose them for child bearing and not men! To hold a baby in your womb for nine whole months and to withstand labour pains is no joke! Today we can exercise the right to have or not have a child is a different matter altogether and that is a welcome change too. It is an individual prerogative.But nature chose the woman for child bearing!  If that is not enough here are some more! Try waxing and threading. Try bleeding for 5-6 days each month and still go about your business as usual. Try battling crazy hormones that make it difficult for you to even recognize, let alone deal with yourself! Try managing the household including cooking, raising kids, homework, managing home accounts, all at once and a lot more. Multi tasking of the higher order but totally underrated. 

When I was growing up there was a perfect demarcation of labour whereby mothers managed everything at home and fathers earned the money. (In hindsight and even now, mom is much more proficient and an all rounder and dad gets lost without her! Talk about the spoilt Indian male.) No one was superior or inferior. They were meant to be like the two carts of a wheel which enabled the smooth functioning of a household. And personally I think that system still works perfectly. In a marriage if a woman chooses to take a back seat purely for raising kids, or chooses to work, I think it is her prerogative .Personally I would always choose the former for my own reasons. Personally and professionally I believe that in the first five years of a child's life the influence of the mother is paramount. If there are financial concerns then that is a different matter altogether and does not give much of a choice or option. 

While I write this I am still trying to wonder where the regressive norms and mindsets emanate from. To begin with, a woman has to leave her house, her family (parents) and go and live in a completely unfamiliar and unknown household where again she is expected to adjust and adapt. It is hardly ever the other way around. How many inlaws' families try or go out of their way to make the new environment conducive to her! She has to adjust to a new lifestyle and new food habits and everything else. She has to adopt a different identity visavis a surname and become this new and different person altogether. Its bad enough to be expected to change your surname, that some are made to change their name too is unfathomable. Imagine I am Shilpa Raheja, have been for forty years of my life. Suddenly I marry a person and I dont have a right to retain my name and surname. So for all you know from this I become say some Mitali Gupta! Makes sense?! To me it does not! We are fairly intelligent. Give me a rationale and reason that appeals to my senses and there will be no discussion or debate, but give me that atleast! Now lets go one step further. Why is it never proposed that a man change his name/surname! Two people marry. Same rules/norms ought to apply. I have heard ridiculous stories and cases where misogynistic norms compel name changes like my name maybe unlucky for my husband and he may suffer or die or something as ridiculous. Why is it never the other way around. Why are men's names and surnames not inauspicious for women. Brings me back to Shakespere's " whats in a name?"

Seriously why has'nt anyone questioned these things. Why do we have a herd mentality? From what I have realized it is far easier to follow the herd and not think rather than think and question because no one wants to ruffle so many feathers! Having said all this, if a woman is happy to change her name and surname and adapt and adjust out of her own volition so be it! That is most certainly preferred and welcome but if it is expected and imposed it is most certainly not on or fair by any yardstick! 

When someone says you can work if your inlaws allow you to, you can wear jeans/westerns if your husband permits you to!!!! These statements are as hilarious as they are offensive! Really!!?? Are you kidding me? I don't take permission from my parents for these and other factors. Why on earth should I have to be allowed or seek permission from my husband/inlaws?! Do women go and dictate to their husbands what they are allowed to wear or not. Can a wife tell her husband 'you are not allowed to wear jeans/ shorts?' Or you have to wear only shirts and trousers just like some women have to only wear sarees! Unheard of, right!? If this is strange and unacceptable, so should be the other bit! I don't think anyone will go out of their way to embarrass their own family by wearing something superbly obscene or indecent which at the end of the day is still subjective. Clothes are a very personal matter so is profession, food habits, modes of enjoyment etc. Men and women ought to have the same rights in all areas. If its ok for a man, it must be ok for a woman too and vice versa! Why the double standards and why are we ok with it?! Strange as it may sound, the people who have questioned and stood up, have done so only when their daughters had to go through something wrong or unjust. In these situations too many have the talent to overlook and ignore but most take notice and do the needful. Often when it is wives,sisters and mothers we just take them for granted and don't stand up for them. We let outdated and regressive mindsets influence our thinking.

Another pet peeve is the "expectation" that the daughter in law has to take care of her inlaws. In the same vein why does the son in law not 'have to' take care of his inlaws! Why are they expected to take care of themselves in their old age! I, for one, am more than happy to treat my inlaws as my parents but I expect the same from my husband. I need him to treat my parents as his and I want them to have a son, not a son in law in the same way that I want to be a daughter to his parents and not a daughter in law! This according to me is the most unfair norm/custom and it makes no sense whatsoever! Not like the others do but this one takes the cake! How much ever I try to understand I don't because there is no logic or reasoning behind these let alone sound reasoning! I am sure many might squirm and grimace at such content and may think that we don't live in an ideal world but then we only live in the world we create or that we which we allow being created for and around us.

And now comes my absolute favourite! How we as women are taught and told to be anything other than our true authentic selves and fit into molds created by society so that we are more appealing and less threatening to men! Be thinner, be more fashionable, apply make up, wear big heels, wear contact lenses are some of the many external ones while the internal ones are more on the lines of be less opinionated, be less verbose/vocal, be docile, be mild, don't be so strong, don't argue, tone yourself down, don't have a mind of your own and list is endless! We are told to be and become the women that men like however warped the criteria maybe and how much ever they propogate regressive stereotypes! How many times have you heard men being told to be the men that women like. The pressure is always on women. There needs to be unconditional acceptance of men the way they are but never of women.And the sad part part is that many women also think on these lines. Most disheartening!  Women are brought up constantly being told and trained to be good wives and daughters in law and that too from a rather early age. How many men are brought up with a training to be be good husbands/sons in law?! Ever thought about it!? Marriage is a union of two people, two equals but the man and his side is always given precedence and preference. Why? Are they doing the women a favor my marrying them. Don't they want marriage as much as the lady and her side ? Dowry is the worst of the evils in this rung. It is regressive to the core, treats women like objects and commodities apart from being burdens willing to be shed only against some form of bribery! Pathetic to say the least. 

Even at the end of this blog I feel the emotions of hurt, sadness, anger and extreme disappointment at the systems which make the woman feel lesser and teach her to always be lesser so that the male ego is fed and not hurt or bruised or threatened. Why are male egos so fragile and why do they need constant stroking? Why?! And why do women have to bear the burden of it at their own cost always!
Times are changing and I cannot disregard or dismiss that and it is heartening as well as hopeful! No one perse is to blame as we all tend to be willing victims of obsolete conditioning but we need a revamp of thoughts, concepts and ideas. We need to open minds a lot more and they ought to be willing. Women and men were both brought up with a certain conditioning which needs to be challenged and changed for the better. Parents need to do a better job at bringing up sons in order for them to be more sensitive and less chauvinistic. I am fortunate that today around me I see many examples of very progressive husbands and fathers who I look upto because they broke the molds and went against the tide. I do have hope for a better tomorrow where gender does not dictate superiority/inferiority and we are all entitled to the same rights and no double standards. Where there is no need to shout from the rooftops or prove that one gender rules. And it all starts with us, with each of us making promises to ourselves that we won't follow blindly and that we will get over and tackle our so called fear of the "what will society think/say?" Society is made up of a collective consciousness and once the individual changes that will change too!