This is one I have wanted to write for the longest time. It has been one helluva journey, though one that I would not trade for anything else. And that is purely because it has transformed me into the person that I am today and I am super proud of that. Very few people have seen this closely. My parents and couple of very close friends. I still cannot see what they see and I do go by it when they tell me I am anything but the person that I was few years ago. And believe me it is a compliment.
When I finished my post graduation, I wanted to work for few years and get married by the age of 26/28. In the original scheme of things I should've had two kids by now! But like they say life is what happens to you when you are busy making other plans. And that is pretty much what happened to me too. I am a strong believer of things happening for a reason even if you don't right away get what that reason is.
When I began looking for alliances it became quite clear at the outset that I cannot fit into the whole arranged marriage bracket/ market. I like to use the term market because they treat humans like commodities and objects and marriage as some kind of a trade or one sided transaction (mainly the girls' side). More about that in another post probably! I hail from a rather progressive family which gave me wings and roots both. Gender never mattered and I am very grateful that my parents, especially my mom brought me up the way she did! Thanks to this upbringing, I am my own person today and I have been able to blossom into all that I stand for and encompass! The true essence of me shines through! Very immodestly I can state that I am a force to reckon with, in a positive way, most certainly.
Having tried all possible systems, which include regular matrimony, newspapers, bureaus, online sites and whole drill, I can today safely say that I did not leave a stone unturned in my search for a life partner. I realized eventually that I was looking for a soulmate and not just a husband and it was hard to find that through systems like these, but I did try very earnestly. If for nothing else, in hindsight I can always put my hand on my heart and say very honestly that I tried and made every effort because sometimes much later on, we regret not doing what is in our hands!
Since I am the kind who tries to look at lessons and what I have learnt in my journey so far I always looked at this area and tried to understand what did it really teach me ?! My 'singlehood' has taught me a lot and I am very grateful to the Universe/God for the last ten to twelve years of my life because it has been pure growth and evolution. When I started out I was naive, vulnerable, idealistic and wore tinted glasses when it came to marriage and relationships. I was always quite mature for my age at most points in my life but having said that I don't think I had the necessary maturity to handle the institution of marriage in a healthy manner. Had I married much earlier I think today I would probably be at crossroads , feeling stifled and suffocated and not knowing where I am really going or where I really want to go. That is certainly not a nice or safe space to be in with a family that includes, husband, children and probably inlaws! I can afford to feel like that today as part of my whole single status, as I am responsible for only myself. My decisions bear consequences only for me which I could afford only in this single space.I have been pretty much single most of the time barring a few encounters. I call them encounters and not relationships as they were something else altogether. Again I only learnt and evolved having them. They were painful due to the kind of people involved but somethings just happen and you cannot control it. They are part of your repertoire of life experiences and maybe also involved settling some karmic scores.
The society we live in makes it pretty hard for you when you are single. The various reactions I have encountered in this journey vary from being looked at as a freak, to a dangerous entity who will contaminate other young singles by some deadly ideas or mindset. People also look at you suspiciously and almost always assume there must be something terribly wrong with you and judge you. They have decided that you have a tall order and /or are rigid and that is why you have'nt found a man for yourself. Some even look at being single as some deadly disease that might just be contagious so other singles should stay away from you or people at large should just be safe and away from you. When you do not fit into the mould that society or norms have created for you, you are quite lethal. I have also received condolences for being single and a often been looked at as a "bechari" and most relatives pity and feel sorry for my parents since they have an 'unmarried' daughter at home! Some people have even hit below the belt and in arguements thrown their 'married' card in and looked down upon me saying "oh, you toh don't even have a man in ur life?". For me it was always ... SO?!!!! How does that make me a lesser human being or any different from you or anyone else. Why is being married or having a man in your life considered a 'be all' and 'end all' of life! Why do I have an identity only when I have a man in life. Why is the person that I already am not enough to be my own identity! I pity people with a thought process like this. For all their education and seeing life, it failed to open their minds.
Also, what most of these people and society does'nt get is that many if not most of us are single by CHOICE! Its a concept they just cannot fathom or understand. Today I have met enough men and I could have gotten married to someone but I CHOSE not to and why is that so hard to comprehend. And why are we made answerable? Why is NO not an acceptable answer without having to justify why it dint work! I have met jerks, MCP's ( male chauvinist pigs), spineless men, selfish, self obsessed men and the list goes on. None of these category of men ever interested me, so marriage is very far fetched. I have a tremendous problem with society deciding on my behalf or assuming that if unmarried, I must be having some problem or if not having kids, couples must be having a problem! The whole element of "choice' just is never looked at or conveniently ignored. If you chose to use a brain that God gave you for making your own life decisions you are ostracized and alienated. Because society was always like that , for quite sometime I also looked at myself with 'oh you poor thing' attitude and felt bad for myself till I grew into a person who knew better and learnt to enjoy my single space rather than feel sorry for it. I would always pity myself around Valentine Day and around Christmas and New Years' as I was single. I did that to myself for years and today the person I have become feels bad for what I did to myself but I am glad that I know better now.
I pretty much believe in the existence of a God for all the things that did not happen in my life as opposed to the ones that did. Had I married earlier I would've probably made myself a doormat as I was always putting other's needs before my own. I would've happily gone along being known as someone's wife, daughter in law and mother. The "I" that I have become today would be completely lost at the very own cost of myself. In this journey I have learnt to love myself a lot more and stand up for my own needs and desires. Earlier I always gave into others' needs and desires and got taken advantage of. My being single has taught me so much! It has taught me patience , to wait for what I both deserve and desire, it has taught me to enjoy time with myself which I never could do earlier. I was always needing people and company around me and restless when left alone. It has given me small though underrated pleasures like spontaneous night outs or night overs' at friends', solo trips without checking with anyone, staying home alone and reading my favorite author or like now, staying home alone and writing my blog without feeling sorry for myself that I have to be indoors on a saturday night just because I don't have a man. It has taught me to appreciate my girlfriends much better and cherish my time spent with them. Girlie outings are way too underrated too! Last but not the least it has given me extended time with my parents and I am truly grateful for that. When I started looking for the advantages of being single rather than the disadvantages I found plenty! Basically being single has made me appreciate my own company much better, love and value myself more , explore my passions more, be comfortable in my single space without feeling apologetic for it. Being single has given me strength and courage that are hard to explain. I feel empowered and liberated. And today more than ever, I feel I am ready to handle a relationship/ marriage much better, if it ever happens. I wait for my soulmate and I believe that soulmates have to complete individual life journeys before they embark on journeys together as partners! I have learnt to just go with the flow and not question. And I could'nt have been at more peace with myself.
I recently saw a movie called " How to be single" and so much of what they showed was simple and non complicated. I could completely relate to it and identify with a lot too. One of the most beautiful aspects was that the protagonist realizes that she was only comfortable being in relationships as she never really knew how to stay single and it scared her so she was just happy that a man wanted to be with her and it was a lot about him rather than her! Till she comes to a point where she is made to realize by her best friend that all those relationships were more about the men and not her and more about her just being in the idea of love rather than "love" itself. I realized how much sense that made to me because for me too it was always about the men and not me and always about the idea of being in love! It was never about, is this man or relationship good for me?! What do I really want from it ? In short I really had to find myself before I found my man. Today I feel I am almost there and if a man does arrive he will arrive for the right reasons and stay! Today I will not attract emotionally unavailable men like I did earlier because today I feel emotionally complete within myself! I feel whole so I will attract another 'whole' person! At this point I will only get what I truly desire and deserve because after a long drawn journey I have realized my own worth! The vibe I emit currently is healthy and my aura is light and happy. I am no longer operating from a clingy and needy space. Till I find the right man and the best relationship for me, I am happy and comfortable being single and enjoying every aspect of singlehood! After years I have understood what a nice space it is to be in and I wont give it up till I get a better deal and that is only because I love and value myself enough now more than ever before!
When I finished my post graduation, I wanted to work for few years and get married by the age of 26/28. In the original scheme of things I should've had two kids by now! But like they say life is what happens to you when you are busy making other plans. And that is pretty much what happened to me too. I am a strong believer of things happening for a reason even if you don't right away get what that reason is.
When I began looking for alliances it became quite clear at the outset that I cannot fit into the whole arranged marriage bracket/ market. I like to use the term market because they treat humans like commodities and objects and marriage as some kind of a trade or one sided transaction (mainly the girls' side). More about that in another post probably! I hail from a rather progressive family which gave me wings and roots both. Gender never mattered and I am very grateful that my parents, especially my mom brought me up the way she did! Thanks to this upbringing, I am my own person today and I have been able to blossom into all that I stand for and encompass! The true essence of me shines through! Very immodestly I can state that I am a force to reckon with, in a positive way, most certainly.
Having tried all possible systems, which include regular matrimony, newspapers, bureaus, online sites and whole drill, I can today safely say that I did not leave a stone unturned in my search for a life partner. I realized eventually that I was looking for a soulmate and not just a husband and it was hard to find that through systems like these, but I did try very earnestly. If for nothing else, in hindsight I can always put my hand on my heart and say very honestly that I tried and made every effort because sometimes much later on, we regret not doing what is in our hands!
Since I am the kind who tries to look at lessons and what I have learnt in my journey so far I always looked at this area and tried to understand what did it really teach me ?! My 'singlehood' has taught me a lot and I am very grateful to the Universe/God for the last ten to twelve years of my life because it has been pure growth and evolution. When I started out I was naive, vulnerable, idealistic and wore tinted glasses when it came to marriage and relationships. I was always quite mature for my age at most points in my life but having said that I don't think I had the necessary maturity to handle the institution of marriage in a healthy manner. Had I married much earlier I think today I would probably be at crossroads , feeling stifled and suffocated and not knowing where I am really going or where I really want to go. That is certainly not a nice or safe space to be in with a family that includes, husband, children and probably inlaws! I can afford to feel like that today as part of my whole single status, as I am responsible for only myself. My decisions bear consequences only for me which I could afford only in this single space.I have been pretty much single most of the time barring a few encounters. I call them encounters and not relationships as they were something else altogether. Again I only learnt and evolved having them. They were painful due to the kind of people involved but somethings just happen and you cannot control it. They are part of your repertoire of life experiences and maybe also involved settling some karmic scores.
The society we live in makes it pretty hard for you when you are single. The various reactions I have encountered in this journey vary from being looked at as a freak, to a dangerous entity who will contaminate other young singles by some deadly ideas or mindset. People also look at you suspiciously and almost always assume there must be something terribly wrong with you and judge you. They have decided that you have a tall order and /or are rigid and that is why you have'nt found a man for yourself. Some even look at being single as some deadly disease that might just be contagious so other singles should stay away from you or people at large should just be safe and away from you. When you do not fit into the mould that society or norms have created for you, you are quite lethal. I have also received condolences for being single and a often been looked at as a "bechari" and most relatives pity and feel sorry for my parents since they have an 'unmarried' daughter at home! Some people have even hit below the belt and in arguements thrown their 'married' card in and looked down upon me saying "oh, you toh don't even have a man in ur life?". For me it was always ... SO?!!!! How does that make me a lesser human being or any different from you or anyone else. Why is being married or having a man in your life considered a 'be all' and 'end all' of life! Why do I have an identity only when I have a man in life. Why is the person that I already am not enough to be my own identity! I pity people with a thought process like this. For all their education and seeing life, it failed to open their minds.
Also, what most of these people and society does'nt get is that many if not most of us are single by CHOICE! Its a concept they just cannot fathom or understand. Today I have met enough men and I could have gotten married to someone but I CHOSE not to and why is that so hard to comprehend. And why are we made answerable? Why is NO not an acceptable answer without having to justify why it dint work! I have met jerks, MCP's ( male chauvinist pigs), spineless men, selfish, self obsessed men and the list goes on. None of these category of men ever interested me, so marriage is very far fetched. I have a tremendous problem with society deciding on my behalf or assuming that if unmarried, I must be having some problem or if not having kids, couples must be having a problem! The whole element of "choice' just is never looked at or conveniently ignored. If you chose to use a brain that God gave you for making your own life decisions you are ostracized and alienated. Because society was always like that , for quite sometime I also looked at myself with 'oh you poor thing' attitude and felt bad for myself till I grew into a person who knew better and learnt to enjoy my single space rather than feel sorry for it. I would always pity myself around Valentine Day and around Christmas and New Years' as I was single. I did that to myself for years and today the person I have become feels bad for what I did to myself but I am glad that I know better now.
I pretty much believe in the existence of a God for all the things that did not happen in my life as opposed to the ones that did. Had I married earlier I would've probably made myself a doormat as I was always putting other's needs before my own. I would've happily gone along being known as someone's wife, daughter in law and mother. The "I" that I have become today would be completely lost at the very own cost of myself. In this journey I have learnt to love myself a lot more and stand up for my own needs and desires. Earlier I always gave into others' needs and desires and got taken advantage of. My being single has taught me so much! It has taught me patience , to wait for what I both deserve and desire, it has taught me to enjoy time with myself which I never could do earlier. I was always needing people and company around me and restless when left alone. It has given me small though underrated pleasures like spontaneous night outs or night overs' at friends', solo trips without checking with anyone, staying home alone and reading my favorite author or like now, staying home alone and writing my blog without feeling sorry for myself that I have to be indoors on a saturday night just because I don't have a man. It has taught me to appreciate my girlfriends much better and cherish my time spent with them. Girlie outings are way too underrated too! Last but not the least it has given me extended time with my parents and I am truly grateful for that. When I started looking for the advantages of being single rather than the disadvantages I found plenty! Basically being single has made me appreciate my own company much better, love and value myself more , explore my passions more, be comfortable in my single space without feeling apologetic for it. Being single has given me strength and courage that are hard to explain. I feel empowered and liberated. And today more than ever, I feel I am ready to handle a relationship/ marriage much better, if it ever happens. I wait for my soulmate and I believe that soulmates have to complete individual life journeys before they embark on journeys together as partners! I have learnt to just go with the flow and not question. And I could'nt have been at more peace with myself.
I recently saw a movie called " How to be single" and so much of what they showed was simple and non complicated. I could completely relate to it and identify with a lot too. One of the most beautiful aspects was that the protagonist realizes that she was only comfortable being in relationships as she never really knew how to stay single and it scared her so she was just happy that a man wanted to be with her and it was a lot about him rather than her! Till she comes to a point where she is made to realize by her best friend that all those relationships were more about the men and not her and more about her just being in the idea of love rather than "love" itself. I realized how much sense that made to me because for me too it was always about the men and not me and always about the idea of being in love! It was never about, is this man or relationship good for me?! What do I really want from it ? In short I really had to find myself before I found my man. Today I feel I am almost there and if a man does arrive he will arrive for the right reasons and stay! Today I will not attract emotionally unavailable men like I did earlier because today I feel emotionally complete within myself! I feel whole so I will attract another 'whole' person! At this point I will only get what I truly desire and deserve because after a long drawn journey I have realized my own worth! The vibe I emit currently is healthy and my aura is light and happy. I am no longer operating from a clingy and needy space. Till I find the right man and the best relationship for me, I am happy and comfortable being single and enjoying every aspect of singlehood! After years I have understood what a nice space it is to be in and I wont give it up till I get a better deal and that is only because I love and value myself enough now more than ever before!
1 comment:
What you have penned down. ...oooops typed 😀is indeed true. The times when people required to be married to validate themselves have long gone. Being fortunate and thankful for what life is today for each of us who can read, write, eat, work and be of help to mankind is a gift which has to be cherised for times to come.
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