MULK

Though I am the queen of procrastination, this film I had to write about. I somehow managed to catch a show with a friend before it left the theatres. It was hard hitting and poignant. I cried multiple times while watching this one ( I always cry in movies!) It is the story of a Muslim family residing in Benaras and living amicably in their cosmopolitan, (mostly Hindu) neighbourhood and enjoying good relations with everyone. One young lad from this family gets misled in the name of Jihaad (struggle or fight against injustice, as described in the film). He is involved in orchestrating a bus bomb blast and subsequently shot in an encounter. The rest of the film raises very pertinent questions while highlighting the issues faced by the family (ignorant of the lad’s terrorist involvement) to prove their innocence and patriotism and sense of belonging to the nation they chose to stay back in during partition. 

I came back with immense food for thought and also guilty of some of the prejudices we live with and that come so naturally to us because we choose to let conditioning, media and political motives influence us. And this is food for thought for all of us because we are either covert or overt about these biases. How many times have we squirmed, smirked at the norms, customs of minorities just because some from their community have become terrorists? How many times have we judged their practices and had opinions (mostly negative) because they belonged to a particular community? How many times have we showed discomfort associating with a member of such a community? How many times have we judged them just because someone else who had the same surname or belonged to the same community got themselves involved in terrorist activities? How many times have we refused to employ people from a particular community and how often have we when cancelled Ola and Uber bookings when we realised the driver was from the minority community? The fact still remains that all Muslims are not terrorists even if a majority of terrorists have belonged to the Muslim community. The terrorists don’t follow the actual tenets of Islam where these kind of anti-human activities are only condemned. If a particular person goes astray, why do we lift fingers and blame the family or the whole community?! 

I reside in a building where we have a lot of Muslim families. They are as human as anyone else and as pious as any other community. When there were riots in our city, the Muslim boys of our building stood all night guarding our gates and protecting all of us( not only their families!). They did not sleep a wink and neither did they allow any senior citizen to stay awake all night trying to protect us. Years ago, when, as a family we left for a short holiday to Lonavala, unfortunately there was a fire that broke out through our balcony and could have taken down the entire house. Once again, had it again not been for the timely aid and assistance of our Muslim neighbours who broke the door open and prevented the fire from spreading, we may have suffered enormous damage. We could not have been more grateful! Our immediate neighbour is a lovely pious Muslim lady who brought up her four children single handedly, while her husband lived and worked abroad. I have yet to come across someone as sweet and non interfering as her. She only approaches me when she has an issue with her cell phone as most of her kids are settled elsewhere. When I had a cough that was not leaving me for the longest time, this aunty taught me a particular formula to fight that cough and finally it did go. Not only that, when I recovered, she bought me a packet of dhokla(savoury) and said that now since my throat is back to normal I must be craving for some regular tasty stuff! I cannot claim this kind of thoughtfulness even from some of our near and dear ones. We always get sheer khurma on Eid and needless to say it is absolutely delicious. Had we not been vegetarians we would have also received a generous amount of Biryani. These are just some examples. I could go on and on. If we are so quick to point out negatives and dish out brickbats ( often unjustly), it is only fair that we present the positives and deliver the earned bouquets too! 

The Muslims who chose to stay back during partition did so because they felt a sense of “belonging” to this country. And we should not only respect that but also make sure that we let them ‘belong’ and not feel alienated by anything we say or do. Terrorism (once again as pointed out in the film), is a criminal act and not a communal one! It is a misled and misinformed, weak to the core individual, that commits this heinous crime and we cannot blame an entire community for it!  It is rather unfair to do that, to say the least.

There is no country in the entire world that can boast of, or show the kind of unity in diversity that we not only project but live on a day to day basis. We have been blessed and we will continue to be, if we do not allow ourselves to fall prey to false media hype or a political agenda. Crime and bad deeds have no religion. Next time when we hear some isolated incident where the perpetrator happens to belong to a particular community, we have to check ourselves when we say either outwardly in words, on in our head, “they are like this only!” Statements like these only propagate prejudices and stereotypes. For every Muslim extremist or fundamentalist, we will always have a Hindu or Catholic (or anyone from any other community) counterpart and let us never forget that. 

Let us not mock or judge either their religion or their festivals even though we cannot get our heads around it. Likewise, I am sure many non Hindus cannot get their heads around why in the name of festivals we put colour on each other, throw balloons on strangers (amounts to violence), blare music on loud speakers disturbing everyone around, light fire crackers that not only add to noise and air pollution but also sometimes burn down houses, or how we pray to an elephant God,  buy and immerse these idols in his name every year, destroying the environment and the sea life! For someone who believes in one God, I am sure it is hard for them to digest the number of Gods/ deities we worship, let alone the colourful lives and wives they had! When we point a finger at them, three fingers surely point back at us. Last but not the least, let us watch this kind of cinema and also promote it, for the content, the message and the stellar performances. It is sad to see that these films have very few shows playing only in select theatres whereas brain dead commercial cinema still rules the roost!

Celebrating SINGLEHOOD!

This is one I have wanted to write for the longest time. It has been one helluva journey, though one that I would not trade for anything else. And that is purely because it has transformed me into the person that I am today and I am super proud of that. Very few people have seen this closely. My parents and couple of very close friends. I still cannot see what they see and I do go by it when they tell me I am anything but the person that I was few years ago. And believe me it is a compliment.

When I finished my post graduation, I wanted to work for few years and get married by the age of 26/28. In the original scheme of things I should've had two kids by now! But like they say life is what happens to you when you are busy making other plans. And that is pretty much what happened to me too. I am a strong believer of things happening for a reason even if you don't right away get what that reason is.

When I began looking for alliances it became quite clear at the outset that I cannot fit into the whole arranged marriage bracket/ market. I like to use the term market because they treat humans like commodities and objects and marriage as some kind of a trade or one sided transaction (mainly the girls' side). More about that in another post probably! I hail from a rather progressive family which gave me wings and roots both. Gender never mattered and I am very grateful that my parents, especially my mom brought me up the way she did! Thanks to this upbringing, I am my own person today and I have been able to blossom into all that I stand for and encompass! The true essence of me shines through! Very immodestly I can state that I am a force to reckon with, in a positive way, most certainly.

Having tried all possible systems, which include regular matrimony, newspapers, bureaus, online sites and whole drill, I can today safely say that I did not leave a stone unturned in my search for a life partner. I realized eventually that I was looking for a soulmate and not just a husband and it was hard to find that through systems like these, but I did try very earnestly. If for nothing else, in hindsight I can always put my hand on my heart and say very honestly that I tried and made every effort because sometimes much later on, we regret not doing what is in our hands!

Since I am the kind who tries to look at lessons and what I have learnt in my journey so far I always looked at this area and tried to understand what did it really teach me ?! My 'singlehood' has taught me a lot and I am very grateful to the Universe/God for the last ten to twelve years of my life because it has been pure growth and evolution. When I started out I was naive, vulnerable, idealistic and wore tinted glasses when it came to marriage and relationships. I was always quite mature for my age at most points in my life but having said that I don't think I had the necessary maturity to handle the institution of marriage in a healthy manner. Had I married much earlier I think today I would probably be at crossroads , feeling stifled and suffocated and not knowing where I am really going or where I really want to go. That is certainly not a nice or safe space to be in with a family that includes, husband, children and probably inlaws! I can afford to feel like that today as part of my whole single status, as I am responsible for only myself. My decisions bear consequences only for me which I could afford only in this single space.I have been pretty much single most of the time barring a few encounters. I call them encounters and not relationships as they were something else altogether. Again I only learnt and evolved having them. They were painful due to the kind of people involved but somethings just happen and you cannot control it. They are part of your repertoire of life experiences and maybe also involved settling some karmic scores.

The society we live in makes it pretty hard for you when you are single. The various reactions I have encountered in this journey vary from being looked at as a freak, to a dangerous entity who will contaminate other young singles by some deadly ideas or mindset. People also look at you suspiciously and almost always assume there must be something terribly wrong with you and judge you. They have decided that you have a tall order and /or are rigid and that is why you have'nt found a man for yourself. Some even look at being single as some deadly disease that might just be contagious so other singles should stay away from you or people at large should just be safe and away from you. When you do not fit into the mould that society or norms have created for you, you are quite lethal. I have also received condolences for being single and a often been looked at as a "bechari" and most relatives pity and feel sorry for my parents since they have an 'unmarried' daughter at home! Some people have even hit below the belt and in arguements thrown their 'married' card in and looked down upon me saying "oh, you toh don't even have a man in ur life?". For me it was always ... SO?!!!! How does that make me a lesser human being or any different from you or anyone else. Why is being married or having a man in your life considered a 'be all' and 'end all' of life! Why do I have an identity only when I have a man in life. Why is the person that I already am not enough to be my own identity! I pity people with a thought process like this. For all their education and seeing life, it failed to open their minds.

Also, what most of these people and society does'nt get is that many if not most of us are single by CHOICE! Its a concept they just cannot fathom or understand. Today I have met enough men and I could have gotten married to someone but I CHOSE not to and why is that so hard to comprehend. And why are we made answerable? Why is NO not an acceptable answer without having to justify why it dint work! I have met jerks, MCP's ( male chauvinist pigs), spineless men, selfish, self obsessed men and the list goes on. None of these category of men ever interested me, so marriage is very far fetched. I have a tremendous problem with society deciding on my behalf or assuming that if unmarried, I must be having some problem or if not having kids, couples must be having a problem! The whole element of "choice' just is never looked at or conveniently ignored. If you chose to use a brain that God gave you for making your own life decisions you are ostracized and alienated. Because society was always like that , for quite sometime I also looked at myself with 'oh you poor thing' attitude and felt bad for myself till I grew into a person who knew better and learnt to enjoy my single space rather than feel sorry for it. I would always pity myself around Valentine Day and around Christmas and New Years' as I was single. I did that to myself for years and today the person I have become feels bad for what I did to myself but I am glad that I know better now.

I pretty much believe in the existence of a God for all the things that did not happen in my life as opposed to the ones that did. Had I married earlier I would've probably made myself a doormat as I was always putting other's needs before my own. I would've happily gone along being known as someone's wife, daughter in law and mother. The "I" that I have become today would be completely lost at the very own cost of myself.  In this journey I have learnt to love myself a lot more and stand up for my own needs and desires. Earlier I always gave into others' needs and desires and got taken advantage of. My being single has taught me so much! It has taught me patience , to wait for what I both deserve and desire, it has taught me to enjoy time with myself which I never could do earlier. I was always needing people and company around me and restless when left alone. It has given me small though underrated pleasures like spontaneous night outs or night overs' at friends', solo trips without checking with anyone, staying home alone and reading my favorite author or like now, staying home alone and writing my blog without feeling sorry for myself that I have to be indoors on a saturday night just because I don't have a man. It has taught me to appreciate my girlfriends much better and cherish my time spent with them. Girlie outings are way too underrated too! Last but not the least it has given me extended time with my parents and I am truly grateful for that. When I started looking for the advantages of being single rather than the disadvantages I found plenty! Basically being single has made me appreciate my own company much better, love and value myself more , explore my passions more, be comfortable in my single space without feeling apologetic for it. Being single has given me strength and courage that are hard to explain. I feel empowered and liberated. And today more than ever, I feel I am ready to handle a relationship/ marriage much better, if it ever happens. I wait for my soulmate and I believe that soulmates have to complete individual life journeys before they embark on journeys together as partners! I have learnt to just go with the flow and not question. And I could'nt have been at more peace with myself.

I recently saw a movie called " How to be single" and so much of what they showed was simple and non complicated. I could completely relate to it and identify with a lot too. One of the most beautiful aspects was that the protagonist realizes that she was only comfortable being in relationships as she never really knew how to stay single and it scared her so she was just happy that a man wanted  to be with her and it was a lot about him rather than her! Till she comes to a point where she is made to realize by her best friend that all those relationships were more about the men and not her and more about her just being in the idea of love rather than "love" itself. I realized how much sense that made to me because for me too it was always about the men and not me and always about the idea of being in love! It was never about, is this man or relationship good for me?! What do I really want from it ? In short I really had to find myself before I found my man. Today I feel I am almost there and if a man does arrive he will arrive for the right reasons and stay! Today I will not attract emotionally unavailable men like I did earlier because today I feel emotionally complete within myself! I feel whole so I will attract another 'whole' person! At this point I will only get what I truly desire and deserve because after a long drawn journey I have realized my own worth! The vibe I emit currently is healthy and my aura is light and happy. I am no longer operating from a clingy and needy space. Till I find the right man and the best relationship for me, I am happy and comfortable being single and enjoying every aspect of singlehood! After years I have understood what a nice space it is to be in and I wont give it up till I get a better deal and that is only because I love and value myself enough now more than ever before!

Airlift!

I wanted to write something light today. So I chose this. Saw the movie this evening and really liked it. Anything that is based on a true story is always far more appealing! So much less drama and bull shit. I really don't remember this incident from the year 1990 so I have no idea how much reality they have stuck to but atleast seems like not much was distorted. These kind of stories leave less scope for distortion. I also enjoy them because they are short and crisp. They don't go on and on. They have a story to tell and they just stick to that.

It is super scary to be living in another country as a second rate citizen and then have to go through this and not know what next! Will we live, will we die or what will become of us! You tend to shudder when you are at the mercy of lunatics been given guns to go and play around with and get trigger happy as and when they feel like. Some scenes depicting the apathy, sadism and insanity on the part of the army personnel is as appalling as it is scary! There is one scene that shows army guys who are young kids and they go berserk looting a house where they come across a huge soft toy of a bear and they scream and shoot saying 'Lets kill this Kuwaiti bear.' Shows the mindset and mentality. Its a goddamn soft toy! It was really like Kuwait = Kill and that is all inclusive. There is another scene where an Iraqi soldier asks that a particular Kuwaiti woman gets handed over so his boys can have some fun! These and more really do send shivers down your spine. And to think these are human beings! Thank God the movie has stuck to less brutality though much more must've happened in reality.

It is sad indeed that the Indian foreign affairs ministry sat on its back side and dint spring into action immediately the way it should have. As rightly pointed out in the film if it was Big Daddy they would have made sure their people were evacuated asap! But God bless the few who were instrumental and whose conscience was probably asleep but far from dead. They were selfless enough to take charge and persist even when the chances were bleak. For once I felt like standing up and saluting Air India as it operated 488 flights, as shown in the film (if these are true statistics), to get home the stranded Indians! They flew over a war zone and did what they could and how! Hats off! That is true patriotism! The last ten minutes of the film where they show the Indians coming back just makes you feel so relieved. Just the fact that a fellow Indian who is a practical stranger to you but still went through adversity and ordeal and came out unscathed makes you feel ecstatic! Its the whole Indian sentiment and it always touches some chord of your heart bigtime. I only cried in those last few minutes( yes I cry in movies, songs and ads!!) Its like someone rattled and shook up all of my Indian fibre!

Coming to the cast, there are supporting characters who do full justice to their roles. Kumud Mishra as Mr Kohli from the external affairs ministry was one of my favourites. The transition from an indifferent 'babu' to a true blue Indian who felt for his 'tribe' irrespective of where in the globe they were, was so heart warming! This man is an actor par excellence. Have seen his performance in theatre on stage and cant admire him more.
Nimrit Kaur, a strong woman who stands by her husband as his pillar of support and strength, taking charge when she really has to, formidable!
Akshay Kumar I really fell in love with! I am not a fan of his or anyone from the film industry but honestly speaking it's his character that I fell in love with. His entire persona. Even his transition from a shrewd ruthless businessman to a sensitive responsible and reliable Indian national was quite admirable and nothing really filmi about it. The man's character that is shown evolving in the movie was interesting. Very human and vulnerable at times and brave and solid who acts as per the need of the hour at other times. What I loved about his character was the fact that he was reliable, brave and selfless( an eventual revelation). To me he felt liked the Raymond man, perfect in every way! A woman's man completely. A loving and caring husband, a doting father, loyal, strong, brave and reliable. What more do u need! Ok I've got a bit carried away but just like cinematic liberties exist, I am taking some writer liberties.

The soundtrack is nice! Songs are not out of place or thrust upon you. They are placed appropriately and manage to evoke the right emotion in you. I loved one song . Leaving you with it too. That is constantly humming in my head. I loved it before I watched the movie and I love it much more after watching it! And to top it all the male version is by the current God of Indian singing, Arijit Singh! How can this man such a sexy and deep throated voice. Soulful indeed and the female version is as so annoying compared to the male.Just because you are a relative of Gulshan Kumar you find yourself a place in the world of singing however nasal your voice is! Grrrrr! But I will only focus on the male part! This one is going to be my anthem for the next few days and on loop till I find a new and better one to replace it!

But..... WHY?!

Disclaimer : I love men and if ever, I intend to marry a man! I am as heterosexual as can be! And that is my sexual preference, though I am also all for gay rights! This disclaimer comes in purely for those who think I am some deadly feminist of the dangerous kind and that I love male bashing. I love women bashing too and I promise one of my future posts will be about that. I am a humanist. Unfortunately its women who get more marginalized so I take up for them. If men get marginalized I will most certainly take up for them too! I am all for MAVA( Men against violence and abuse)! We need more organizations like these if atrocities against men rise and even while I type this I cannot help but smile! That most certainly is the sadist in me! Jokes apart, I love all equally. 

So this post is about systems and norms more than people. Those systems that self perpetuate purely because people choose not to think or question. They go on with blinkers. And the 'thinking lot' of people gets branded as rebels, feminists and activists as though they are some kind of terrible terms to begin with. My logic is simple! God or a higher power gave us an intelligence for a reason. We ought to use that to understand, discern, question and a lot more! Just because things have been a certain way does not mean they have to continue being like that. Kyunki aisa hota aya hai uska matlab yeh nahi ke aisa hi hona chahiye! (Somehow sounds better in hindi!)

I don't know the origin but I would like to know where and how the male dominance or superiority came in and why! Having said that I most certainly am grateful to be born in a progressive Hindu family in today's day and age where my brother and me were brought up with no difference and preference visavis gender. Yes my grandparents had a certain affinity to boys but I choose to let that go given that they did not know better, visavis their own upbringing and conditioning. 

Men and women are like ying and yang. Both require and complete each other.  That one is superior than the other, is as erroneous as can be. And if one were to still want to argue then women win hands down given that the universe chose them for child bearing and not men! To hold a baby in your womb for nine whole months and to withstand labour pains is no joke! Today we can exercise the right to have or not have a child is a different matter altogether and that is a welcome change too. It is an individual prerogative.But nature chose the woman for child bearing!  If that is not enough here are some more! Try waxing and threading. Try bleeding for 5-6 days each month and still go about your business as usual. Try battling crazy hormones that make it difficult for you to even recognize, let alone deal with yourself! Try managing the household including cooking, raising kids, homework, managing home accounts, all at once and a lot more. Multi tasking of the higher order but totally underrated. 

When I was growing up there was a perfect demarcation of labour whereby mothers managed everything at home and fathers earned the money. (In hindsight and even now, mom is much more proficient and an all rounder and dad gets lost without her! Talk about the spoilt Indian male.) No one was superior or inferior. They were meant to be like the two carts of a wheel which enabled the smooth functioning of a household. And personally I think that system still works perfectly. In a marriage if a woman chooses to take a back seat purely for raising kids, or chooses to work, I think it is her prerogative .Personally I would always choose the former for my own reasons. Personally and professionally I believe that in the first five years of a child's life the influence of the mother is paramount. If there are financial concerns then that is a different matter altogether and does not give much of a choice or option. 

While I write this I am still trying to wonder where the regressive norms and mindsets emanate from. To begin with, a woman has to leave her house, her family (parents) and go and live in a completely unfamiliar and unknown household where again she is expected to adjust and adapt. It is hardly ever the other way around. How many inlaws' families try or go out of their way to make the new environment conducive to her! She has to adjust to a new lifestyle and new food habits and everything else. She has to adopt a different identity visavis a surname and become this new and different person altogether. Its bad enough to be expected to change your surname, that some are made to change their name too is unfathomable. Imagine I am Shilpa Raheja, have been for forty years of my life. Suddenly I marry a person and I dont have a right to retain my name and surname. So for all you know from this I become say some Mitali Gupta! Makes sense?! To me it does not! We are fairly intelligent. Give me a rationale and reason that appeals to my senses and there will be no discussion or debate, but give me that atleast! Now lets go one step further. Why is it never proposed that a man change his name/surname! Two people marry. Same rules/norms ought to apply. I have heard ridiculous stories and cases where misogynistic norms compel name changes like my name maybe unlucky for my husband and he may suffer or die or something as ridiculous. Why is it never the other way around. Why are men's names and surnames not inauspicious for women. Brings me back to Shakespere's " whats in a name?"

Seriously why has'nt anyone questioned these things. Why do we have a herd mentality? From what I have realized it is far easier to follow the herd and not think rather than think and question because no one wants to ruffle so many feathers! Having said all this, if a woman is happy to change her name and surname and adapt and adjust out of her own volition so be it! That is most certainly preferred and welcome but if it is expected and imposed it is most certainly not on or fair by any yardstick! 

When someone says you can work if your inlaws allow you to, you can wear jeans/westerns if your husband permits you to!!!! These statements are as hilarious as they are offensive! Really!!?? Are you kidding me? I don't take permission from my parents for these and other factors. Why on earth should I have to be allowed or seek permission from my husband/inlaws?! Do women go and dictate to their husbands what they are allowed to wear or not. Can a wife tell her husband 'you are not allowed to wear jeans/ shorts?' Or you have to wear only shirts and trousers just like some women have to only wear sarees! Unheard of, right!? If this is strange and unacceptable, so should be the other bit! I don't think anyone will go out of their way to embarrass their own family by wearing something superbly obscene or indecent which at the end of the day is still subjective. Clothes are a very personal matter so is profession, food habits, modes of enjoyment etc. Men and women ought to have the same rights in all areas. If its ok for a man, it must be ok for a woman too and vice versa! Why the double standards and why are we ok with it?! Strange as it may sound, the people who have questioned and stood up, have done so only when their daughters had to go through something wrong or unjust. In these situations too many have the talent to overlook and ignore but most take notice and do the needful. Often when it is wives,sisters and mothers we just take them for granted and don't stand up for them. We let outdated and regressive mindsets influence our thinking.

Another pet peeve is the "expectation" that the daughter in law has to take care of her inlaws. In the same vein why does the son in law not 'have to' take care of his inlaws! Why are they expected to take care of themselves in their old age! I, for one, am more than happy to treat my inlaws as my parents but I expect the same from my husband. I need him to treat my parents as his and I want them to have a son, not a son in law in the same way that I want to be a daughter to his parents and not a daughter in law! This according to me is the most unfair norm/custom and it makes no sense whatsoever! Not like the others do but this one takes the cake! How much ever I try to understand I don't because there is no logic or reasoning behind these let alone sound reasoning! I am sure many might squirm and grimace at such content and may think that we don't live in an ideal world but then we only live in the world we create or that we which we allow being created for and around us.

And now comes my absolute favourite! How we as women are taught and told to be anything other than our true authentic selves and fit into molds created by society so that we are more appealing and less threatening to men! Be thinner, be more fashionable, apply make up, wear big heels, wear contact lenses are some of the many external ones while the internal ones are more on the lines of be less opinionated, be less verbose/vocal, be docile, be mild, don't be so strong, don't argue, tone yourself down, don't have a mind of your own and list is endless! We are told to be and become the women that men like however warped the criteria maybe and how much ever they propogate regressive stereotypes! How many times have you heard men being told to be the men that women like. The pressure is always on women. There needs to be unconditional acceptance of men the way they are but never of women.And the sad part part is that many women also think on these lines. Most disheartening!  Women are brought up constantly being told and trained to be good wives and daughters in law and that too from a rather early age. How many men are brought up with a training to be be good husbands/sons in law?! Ever thought about it!? Marriage is a union of two people, two equals but the man and his side is always given precedence and preference. Why? Are they doing the women a favor my marrying them. Don't they want marriage as much as the lady and her side ? Dowry is the worst of the evils in this rung. It is regressive to the core, treats women like objects and commodities apart from being burdens willing to be shed only against some form of bribery! Pathetic to say the least. 

Even at the end of this blog I feel the emotions of hurt, sadness, anger and extreme disappointment at the systems which make the woman feel lesser and teach her to always be lesser so that the male ego is fed and not hurt or bruised or threatened. Why are male egos so fragile and why do they need constant stroking? Why?! And why do women have to bear the burden of it at their own cost always!
Times are changing and I cannot disregard or dismiss that and it is heartening as well as hopeful! No one perse is to blame as we all tend to be willing victims of obsolete conditioning but we need a revamp of thoughts, concepts and ideas. We need to open minds a lot more and they ought to be willing. Women and men were both brought up with a certain conditioning which needs to be challenged and changed for the better. Parents need to do a better job at bringing up sons in order for them to be more sensitive and less chauvinistic. I am fortunate that today around me I see many examples of very progressive husbands and fathers who I look upto because they broke the molds and went against the tide. I do have hope for a better tomorrow where gender does not dictate superiority/inferiority and we are all entitled to the same rights and no double standards. Where there is no need to shout from the rooftops or prove that one gender rules. And it all starts with us, with each of us making promises to ourselves that we won't follow blindly and that we will get over and tackle our so called fear of the "what will society think/say?" Society is made up of a collective consciousness and once the individual changes that will change too!

TINDER and more!

Almost a year ago a friend told me about this app called Tinder! She was looking to date and had found her then current boyfriend on it. She encouraged  me to try it even though I was quite apprehensive. Apparently it could also be used to make friends and network. Now these propositions sounded more interesting to me. I cannot fathom the idea of hooking up with complete strangers to have fun (punn intended)! Fortunately or unfortunately, even though I often have raging and deprived hormones I cannot have fun! My bad! I need a heart/soul connect. Anything less than that does not work for me. Great for those who can. I am made up of other stuff I guess. I've surprised myself on couple of occasions in the past but the men always turned out 'fuski' (frivolous, spineless) and rather unevolved or plain not ready. It was an awesome connect but they just dint have the balls or pretended like they never saw it for reasons best known to them. Maybe I gave them benefit of doubt which they dint deserve. Maybe they were plain downright jerks or scum in human costume! I don't know and I could'nt care less! Overtime I have recognized a lot of this latter variety. They are the most dangerous creatures on earth. Most dignified and respectable social images but if you were unlucky enough to see the other side or what their real inner core was made of you would shudder. They have inner demons which they unleash on completely unsuspecting souls.They wear social masks which when fall reveal the most ugly and often mentally sick personalities. This variety of men is so rampant that you would be both shocked and amazed to realize how many of them prance around like honorable and socially revered members of society (Mind you! They almost always get the most number of likes on their facebook pictures and updates!) They often wear an attitude which when translated would easily say " gods gift to mankind". I like to call this category of men as vultures in human clothing! I've had the misfortune of dealing with this variety of species and I simply put it down to having to settle karma with them or having to evolve or both!

Anyway coming back to Tinder ...I downloaded the app and its pretty funny and unique in the sense that if you like a profile you swipe right and if you don't like it you swipe left! The good thing I thought was you are allowed to chat only if both have swiped right(read as liked each other). What makes people swipe right or left is a different question altogether! Given that its predominantly a dating app I would assume its the outer appearance/ package! For me if I swiped right it was purely based on two things, one was pure instinct and second was if I liked what they wrote in their description. I am a big one for wit, humor and intelligent matter. Its half the battle won! My Tinder experience has been interesting. I no longer am on it. I've had my fill I guess! But I am going to try and share some of it here.

So since most guys were on it to have fun or date I cant blame them for hitting on me as they would have probably assumed the same for me. But the pick up lines are most amusing. Thanks to my amazing memory I may not really remember the ridiculous ones. Though I remember a couple that stood out purely because they were shockers for me. So this one American or Australian dude started the conversation with
"How big are your breasts?". My immediate instinct made me look for how to not continue this conversation further and that is how I discovered the 'unmatch' feature which I instantly clicked on! Reason for unmatching from a multiple choice was 'inappropriate messages'! Another dude asked 'have u had sex before?'. By now I was a pro at unmatch! Another dude just said or rather asked "Sex"? Reminded me of sellers selling commodities of offering services randomly! Hilarious! Its also funny how the level of interest they show in having a conversation with you works on the law of diminishing returns! A graph that started out with so much promise but crashed like there was no tomorrow. I guess some of them realized soon enough that I was not the 'fun' variety. Its also funny how some of them look at you like you are supposed to play the role of the spicy ingredient which completely changes their boring and mundane life. When they asked me what I do and I would say psychologist most times the reaction was " Oh I hope you are not reading my mind"... That sentence from anyone is such a put off and immediately shows me your level of intelligence or lack of it! I would just brush it off most times by saying that I am off duty here. Sadly very few got the humor in that one too. What I really would like to say in response to that question would be, 'Yes  I can and your a complete ass/ dickhead'{polite/no nonsense mood alternately)! Then there are those who try hitting by saying 'Oh you are so desi'( read as uninterested in sex talk!). To these I always want to say only one thing! The world is your playground. Feel free to leave and settle somewhere where the non desi thinking and culture suit both you and your needs.

Some started by some kind of weird foreplay like how they wanted to nibble your ears or pour chocolate sauce over your face and then lick it! And all this even before a 'hi/hello' or a normal conversation or introduction! At such times I behaved like a dumb cow which made them lose interest on the spot. Or I would say something so drab and dry that it hits the 'turn off ' button in them. I just found it all too funny. The earlier me would have been shocked and disgusted but now I've learnt to treat everything as entertaining or fodder for my writing so I just get amused. There are some who will ask if you will let them kiss you when they meet you. All this they have just inferred. And this is after telling them your here only to make friends, if at all anything!. Maybe they think when a girl says no she means yes. The most erroneous and crappy concept! Or maybe they think they are studs whom girls cannot refuse! Then there are some progressive (sarcastic!) ones who will show surprise and wonder as to how you are unmarried at age 40! I say I am an ancient mummy. Again, goes above their head. One guy asked where I live and we happened to stay in the same area. It was his day off at work so after precisely ten minutes of chatting he insisted that I should go over to his place! I am still speechless! Some cant gather the courage to ask for your number so they say 'oh this app is very slow' or 'im logging off tinder. U wont be able to be in touch '. Really funny!Some stay in touch for awhile and disappear making you wonder what happened! Never mind! Some I had the temptation to diagnose with mental disorders purely based on what they chose to show me in our interactions! My experiences with "married men" on tinder deserves another post altogether. Some on the other hand were really nice and I am still in touch with them.

And the pictures!!! OMG! Most amusing. Varied from shirtless, to only crotch, to some actor's pic, to only butt to god knows what all! Name it and you have it there! Most entertaining! 

Last but not the least, comes the time for the ones I connected and got along with for good reason. Four to five, I guess I am still in touch with. Never met. Only chatted. But nice guys, sweet, funny, intelligent. And consistent. I like consistent in a world where inconsistency has become a norm.They are like any of your other friends. You can have intelligent or down right silly conversations with them. They make fun of you and vice versa! They tell you stuff that they know will psyche you and they laugh at your cost and you don't mind! They send you random pics of stuff or people that mean to them. I like these people and they like me I guess. They are the nice guys. They fill the void that I have always experienced. That of not having many male friends with just a friendly and healthy relationship. No ulterior motives, no agenda! I spent my growing years in a convent school with only girls. My only interaction with boys was that with my brother and his friends and maybe few cousins.Though I went to college which did have co-education, but because of the stream I chose I had only girls around me. Being a mental health professional in a non corporate environment made my interaction with men rather limited. Which is precisely why I have always seeked and cherished normal healthy friendships with men of the sensible and non lecherous variety! These few guys on tinder have done the needful to some extent and I am grateful as somewhere I guess my stars have changed whereby I have stopped meeting or attracting jerks in my life. And I hope I am not speaking too soon!

So all in all its been fun ( my concept of fun!) and I have enjoyed the ride. Why I got off tinder? I don't have the answer. I went by pure instinct even though I was sent an article about the dangers of tinder which was not really applicable to me as I was never on it to date. But good to make one aware and be cautious. My journey with it was complete. I just felt I did not really have the time or inclination to swipe right or left anymore though it can get very addictive. I loved swiping left.. It may sound mean but I felt like I was throwing trash in the bin!! Made me feel very happy! In a sadistic way maybe but then I had my share of being a saint almost my entire life! I owe myself this much harmless fun! :)

Till we meet again..........

Dangerous Liaisons......

 
This issue has been on my mind for the longest time and I have tried to understand it on a personal and a professional level. Lot more needs to be understood and researched I guess, if we need some real answers as nothing is black or white and there is always a lot of grey!  Unfortunately, given the very nature of it , one always tends to either talk about it as part of gossip or in hushed tones! Very few understand the gravity of it and show the deserved sensitivity. The issue that I am talking about is that of  "extra marital relations/affairs"!

After much deliberation and thought, I realize that no two cases are same and no two couples go through the same thing. There may be common threads running through all such instances that have happened or are happening but we cannot generalize. And the fact of the matter that will always remain is that ONLY and ONLY the couple may know the reality and truth of what transpired or happened between them to give rise to this, whether or not they choose to admit it in front of  the world. The way I see it is, marriage by definition is a monogamous and sacred institution which is precisely why we refer to it as 'holy matrimony'. So anyone who has entered this contract of marriage needs to honor the vows taken/promises made and go by the clauses of the marital contract. Any kind of affair/liaison/fling is a breach of this contract. And this is only one angle. The mental and emotional trauma caused by the 'cheating' partner to the one at the receiving end is enormous and long lasting. It can leave scars for a lifetime and healing the same is not the easiest task. That apart, the whole trust issue and the question being , if they can ever believe and trust all over again.

No marriage is ever perfect or a bed of roses. There will always be issues. Very often an extra marital affair is the easiest way out as, no one then needs to bell the cat or admit that there is a problem , let alone working on it. This liaison gives an illusion and temporary escape route but when the newness and thrill of it fade off, the person concerned is left in a worse situation than the one they began with. It gets messy on all levels. For those that are never found out, they gloat in the glory of being smart enough to have pulled it off, and get into an unhealthy pattern of such affairs. They are not only cheating their spouses and kids but also deluding themselves as one law of the universe that never ever fails is the 'law of karma' where undoubtedly and unfailingly what goes around comes around. Like it or not and admit or not, sooner or later you are doomed in one way or another.

It is often disgusting to see or hear the boastful attitude of the 'cheaters' or the 'unfaithful' ones. There is no element of regret or remorse and some even go to the extent of blaming the spouse saying that s/he pushed them towards an affair as they are the ones responsible for the deterioration of the marriage. This is often the so called 'grey' area. Even if for a minute we believe this to be true, then there are constructive mechanisms that can be accessed. One can seek the intervention of friends and family, if things cannot be sorted at the couple level alone or then seek professional help. What is ironical here, is that often the one who cheats has in his /her head the reasons very clear but has never bothered to communicate the same to the spouse. Therefore when it all comes out in the open and mud slinging happens between the couple, the one who has been cheated is shocked at two levels, one because of the cheating and two, because they never even felt that there was something wrong in the marriage to begin with. This unfortunately is the most ridiculous situation to be in.

From what I see around me, in majority of the cases, the reasons may be, apart from many others, a breakdown in communication, monotony and boredom, health issues, lack of time for the spouse/marriage, just outgrowing each other with no good reason, not being able to see eye to eye on any matter, constant fights over domestic/children related matters, Sexual incompatibility or incompatibility in general, a change in the physical appearance of the partner( therefore impacting the so called 'attraction quotient!'). This last one however shallow it may sound, is very often a major factor. To quote an instance, I had a couple who came in where it was the husband who had the affair and one main reason he cited was the fact that his wife had put on too much weight, so he no longer felt attracted to her. In this case, the wife, for the life of her could not understand how the love of a husband can increase or decrease according to the size of her body! (Quite profound!) What I found most strange here is the fact that the husband was also quite heavy and balding, but the wife for once dint even think that she should look outside. Very often there is no insight into yourself at all, but you are quick to put the whole onus on the spouse. When you love someone you love them unconditionally. Do we love our parents, siblings or friends any less when they add weight/reduce weight or when their appearance/health changes in any way!? But like it or not, marriage is a very different ball game and though this is ideal case scenario that you should love your spouse totally and accept them unconditionally, it is often not the case. I am quite convinced,  reading some research and going by my own findings that 'gender' and 'conditioning' play a big role here, but there are always exceptions that prove the rule. Also subjective ideas as to what 'should be' or how your spouse 'ought to look and behave' are key factors here.

As a person and moreover, as a therapist I have always believed in two aspects very strongly. One, it is better to be single than marry the wrong person out of desperation and two, a broken marriage is far better than a bad marriage. There are various schools of thought on the latter, especially when there are children involved .  The most erroneous one is where the couple are told to stay together and make it work as there are children involved.. It is very counter productive in the long run.  If research were to be done in this area over a span of time , one would realize that the children of divorced parents do better and are better adjusted than the children of those who continue to stay in bad marriages. The simple reason being, in bad marriages there are regular and ugly fights, sometimes on a daily basis. This has a very negative impact on the psyche of the child. There is mud slinging each day and the most unhealthy aspect is when the 'children' are used by one/both parents against the/each other. On a daily basis there is resentment , negativity and bitterness that each person goes through in the family set up , be it the parents or the kids or both,  In such cases it is always best to part ways amicably and spend individual quality time with the kids and that is healthy for both the parent and the child.

One statement that I hear often again is, "It was only a fling , nothing serious, I still love only my husband/wife" . What on earth is that supposed to mean! And mind you, the 'only a fling' had sexual intimacy, emotional involvement , spending/splurging, of time and resources(money) and the list goes on. This just goes to show the warped ways in which a person's brain works and how they choose to believe their own delusional ideas. It may be some sort of justification they give themselves or part of the 'dealing with the guilt' phenomenon. Having said that, when I've often asked the cheating partner if they would be 'alright/comfortable', if their spouse decided to go and have that very same 'not serious fling', believe me the answer is always a resounding NO! Double standards at their best! In my professional life, it has almost always been that the husband had the affair and the wife was left coping, but I know for a fact that is not always the case. There are enough and more women out there these days who are having the affairs and flings and the husbands have been at the receiving end. So its not fair to make a gender judgement here! It is only fair to say that these are people/ human beings who choose to do indulge in this irrespective of caste, age, strata, status, gender etc!

There are no simple answers or solutions to the issue of extra marital relations but there is certainly some food for thought .......

• For starters, if you think you are a polygamous creature in the form of a human being or who likes variety, then please do yourself and others a favour and 'do not' get married. Very often this is another absurd arguement that I get to hear and it goes something like ...." We are polygamous by nature so it is impossible for us to stay with one woman/man for the rest of our lives". What they forget is marriage is a 'choice' they have made for themselves. If, as an adult you have made that choice, stick by it for better or worse and if you are so unhappy, get out of it and then do what you want. You CANNOT make innocent people go through so much hurt and trauma because you choose to be unfaithful. 
• Another factor playing a huge role is when, after marriage when we take our spouses for granted! You have to be there and 'present' in the marriage, throughout. It is not going to work by itself. You cannot just be there when it suits you or you want your needs met (at various levels!). Even when the excitement and thrill fades, you have to pump it all back in, even if it takes a lot of effort. Keep reinventing yourself and do fun, exciting things together. Make time for each other. 
•  The biggest problem arises when the 'we' in the marriage changes to 'I" and the approach gets self-centered. It cannot be about 'individual' needs. It has to be about "mutual" needs.

And last but not the least despite it all if affairs happen, make a very informed choice whether you want to stay in the marriage or get out. If your spouse is not regretting his/her affair and that makes you go mad and crazy , decide whether you want to stay or go! If for whatever you decide to stay then accept the fact that it is your decision to want to stay, even if it is for the kids or financial reasons or whatever and accept that decision gracefully, without feeling the need to throw it into the spouse's face every now and then and get into a mud slinging battle daily of 'u did this to me!'. If u have chosen to be the bigger person and forgive and stay, then that too is your choice and you ought to take responsibility for it. Do not do it and then want revenge and make life hell for yourself and others around. If your spouse admits it was a weak moment and it was a huge mistake etc , then too decide if you are willing to stay and if you can trust again. If yes then there is no going back and accept this with grace and dignity and put it all behind and move on rather than feeling like a victim and the wronged party. This attitude helps no one. If you are choosing to forgive, you are not doing anyone a favor. In all consciousness you have chosen to forgive so honor it. The whole s/he did this to me and now I will stay in the marriage and show him/her does NOT work for anyone and is very self defeating and destructive to say the least.

 To conclude, there are no easy options, answers , solutions but maybe, having more insight into our own behavior/ motivations/compulsions will go a long way to help us understand ourselves and others better. If this menace is here to stay, we might as well equip ourselves to deal with the onslaught of it to the best of our ability, capacity and with as much grace, dignity and sensibility.

Lunch Box.

Im so glad that good and unusual films are being made. Not run of the mill but actually 'different'! Very out of the box and very unconventional, though with the times and thought provoking all the same. The movie in one go, focusses on as well as throws light on so many different issues, some of which are monotony of a married life, the drudgery of daily living, a typical city life, little nuances of  life, impact of 'good food', blossoming of unlikely relationships in the most uncanny ways, supportive neighbours adding spice (punn intended!) to a boring, mundane life, making tough bold decisions at the crossroads of life and many more.

What fabulous casting and brilliant performances! Irfan Khan is an actor par excellence. Give him any role and the man never disappoints. If only expressions can speak a thousand words, this man personifies it so so beautifully! The dilemna of the character at different stages, wonderfully portrayed! There is a scene where this person that he plays comes to terms with his age, gracefully and with so much wisdom. One of the most outstanding scenes in the movie for me because thats kind of a turning point in the film. His interaction with the children in his locality, so 'real' and yet so amusing, not in a 'in your face' kind of way. The journey with a co- worker which begins with avoidance and cold shouldering and eventually leads to genuine concern, covering up for and 'being there'!

Nawazzudin, one of the best actors in this generation, plays his role so effortlessly, from being a pesky, annoying colleage to someone who shows depth, persistence, practicality and to do whatever it takes to achieve that he has set out to.

Nimrat Kaur, who I have seen perform on stage often holds the film together as she is the central character and the story revolves around her. She has played the super efficient home maker plus mother plus superwoman so well. The ease with which she accepts( matter of factly!) that her husband is having an affair, shows boldness and risk taking behaviour without being bothered about what will come of it, refusing to continue in a stale marriage, challenging the notion that a woman has to take everything in her stride.

Highlights of the film for me were, for starters the "subtlety" of the scenes, where so much is projected without actually saying it. Two scenes that stood out in this area were one, where the daughter just stares at her mother without saying a word and her expression gives away how she disapproves of her mother leaving the tap on and wasting water, while yapping away with 'deshpande' aunty and the second scene, where a small girl shows her fondness or lack of it towards Irfans' character by leaving her living room window open/ closed. The other bits are, the efficiency and systems of the 'dabbawallas', the daily humdrum, the camaraderie between "deshpande" aunty( who is never shown in the film, u can only hear her voice!) and the housewife, the scene where she tells deshpande aunty to play the saajan soundtrack and why or when 'deshpande' aunty tells the housewife to put too much spice in the food and why! All these and more make the movie so endearing and memorable. A scene where a mother warns her daughter on how to go about protecting herself in the rains by very matter of factly telling her to steer clear from trees, flyovers etc because they tend to fall in the rains!!! Hilarious! Another scene where the housewife is at her wits' end trying to explain to the dabbawala that the dabba is not being delivered to the right person/place and he argues back with pride and conviction that no one can fault the dabbawalas and their systems, and this fact has been endorsed by none other than the Queen and Harvard! And last but not the least, the eternal and undying charm of simple, sweet, heartfelt exchanges on notes of paper between total strangers.

A sweet simple story which has its heart and soul in the right place and which has characters who face real, believable, day to day struggles and dilemnas. Some connections and relationships are beyond time, age, conditioning, norms and hypocrisy of society. This movie is about such a connect which forms purely because sometimes the wrong train leads you to the right destination, used metaphoriaclly here ofcourse! The climax of the movie is left to our own interpretation! And being the eternal optimist that I am, no prizes for guessing what I took as the end of the film. ( U would know once u have seen it!) A must watch for admirers of good, unconventional cinema! May there be many more such films.