Bamboo is a term I learnt in one of the centres where I had worked at the start of my career. We would use it often and what it basically refers to is any jolt, shock that you get out of the blue or any scary episode that you go through! Though it sounds like it has a predominantly negative or unpleasant connotation, its often not like that and after the whole 'bamboo' episode gets over there is always something that it leaves you with, maybe a learning, or a perspective of sorts. And then there are times that for the life of you ,the reason or logic of it all evades you and you cant quite figure out what the hell just happened there! If there is an "alls well that ends well" scenario then you just thank God/ the universe for the grace and all you can have at your end is gratitude even if it left u shaken and was traumatic when you went through with it. This post is about one such bamboo that I recently encountered! Another thing about bamboos is the fact they come when you least expect them! You are almost always never forewarned or prepared. Its like life bowling you one of those googlies!
I am required to do my hormone tests once every year since I have a poly cystic ovarian condition. And this time around I was feeling some level of discomfort. Having a look at my earlier reports made me realise that one year has gone by, so I decided to get it done. All my hormones seemed to be behaving themselves except one called 'Prolactin'. The normal range being 5-28, mine was 165! And next to the reading in brackets was the word 'rechecked' which just meant that they had already checked it twice given the high count. Seeing this I did get a bit alarmed but nothing prepared me for what I was going to be told or in other words the significance of a high Prolactin! In the natural course of events this is a hormone which is high when you are in a lactating phase(breast-feeding your child). Needless to say it was not doing what its meant to in my case. My first action post this was calling my brother's friend who is a gynac. The weekend was around the corner so I thought that just incase I dont get to see my own gynac atleast I should know what this could mean! And to my utter horror my brothers' friend said you will need to get an MRI of the brain done to rule out a tumour in the pituitary area!!!!!! I thought I heard wrong, so I asked again and this time hearing the fear and concern in my voice he reassured me by sayin that 'dont worry even if its a tumour it can be shrunk with medication, as in most cases it is benign!' My heart sank and I had to sit down because I had to absorb what had just been told to me in the most calm and matter of fact way! I guess doctors are a different species altogether. They just seem to see things in ways we cannot even dream of. To give him some credit he also said that he did not think it will turn out to be anything in my case since I dint have classic symptoms like severe headaches, blurring of vision etc. But the mind is such that it usually feeds on the fodder that is not so pleasant. At that moment I think I was still in denial and a bit unconvinced or so I thought. I sent my own gynac an SOS sms asking to see her the next day as it was urgent. My gynac accomodated me and I saw her the next day which was a saturday ,just to have my fears confirmed. She said absolutely the same thing that gynac no 1 had said.
After that something within me just gave way! I am a normal human being and so the word 'tumour' just did it for me, though ofcourse I was trying to be positive and it took every iota of strength and courage out of me to keep consoling myself that it will all be ok! I just had to give myself a huge load of pep talk all day through. I was also told that there was no 'immediate urgency" as such and I could get the MRI done in the next ten to fifteen days! And I was like you gotta be kidding me or crazy thinking that I could live with the stress of a sword hanging over my head for so many days! I got into action mode with my dad's help and if left to me I would want to get the MRI done that very day however discomforting the very thought of undergoing one was! My dad managed to get us an appointment the very next day at Hinduja in the morning! ( only my dad can manage such things with a combination of his marketing, persuasive skills and charm!)
So now the inevitable was going to happen and I dint have a choice but to brace myself for it! My mother was rock solid and kept telling me that 'You gotta be silly to even think that something like this will happen to you! Nothings gonna happen to you as you are a good soul so just keep the faith that you always have!' My father was more a silent source of strength. God bless my parents! I wudnt trade them for anything or anyone in the world and its only such times that reiterate your belief. They have always been my pillars of strength and at times like these, they are something else altogether. I know for a fact that they too were very shaken from inside but chose to not show it because they couldnt let their darling daughter down during such a trying period. I was not in a mood for anything. I kept to myself and when my mom came and hugged me during all of this, is when I broke down for the first and last time in this whole episode. I just could not hold back the tears and they came pouring out as I sobbed in my mothers' arms. She kept reassuring me and asking me as to what my thoughts were! I kept crying and then while crying I finally said to her ' Remember that one astrologer had said that I am going to pop it early!' and I continued sobbing.( I frankly dont know why and where that came from! Trying times have an uncanny way to get you to go deep and dig out some silly memories of even sillier events which would rather be put in the trash bin! In hindsight it seems rather filmy but at that point it was anything but dramatic!) At another time my mom and me both would have been mighty amused at what I said, as not a single thing any astrolger has predicted about me has ever come true!!!(Thats another story altogether, perhaps for another time!) But again at such times I guess the mind just latches onto the weirdest of stuff! This time around my poor mom just said 'Dont be silly, you know that lady was a psycho!'
When I could cry no more I just resigned to what was going to be and decided that I need to garner all my faith and strength , however tough it was going to be! That evening on my mom's insistence we went to my favourite place, Mount Mary. It gives me great peace and inner strength. I have very strong faith in Mother Mary and believe very sincerely with all my heart that she takes care and protects us! Something like this is very subjective but in my case its just very inherent. I dont know if it has anything to do with my convent education or its just ME! Just praying and putting a candle there makes me feel like I have done the needful at my end and now its God's turn to not let me down and do the needful at his/ her end! I managed to have a decent amount of sleep that night and the next morning when I woke up something had changed. I cant say what exactly! I got up with some more strength , courage and confidence. I managed to pray and meditate a bit before we left for the hospital and my aunt who is a doctor also accompanied us and her being there was a great help along with being a tremendous moral support as well.
God bless my friend Shweta who listened to her instinct and warned me about an MRI! Having gone through one herself and that too totally unprepared, she thought it her prime duty as my dearest pal and well wisher to have me prepared for quite a scary experience! And though that helped me equip myself to some extent, when I actually underwent the MRI, I can now safely say that nothing prepares you for that! God bless you if you are claustrophobic and have to undergo such an experience! Thankfully Im not claustrophobic perse but post the experience I feel even the strongest being can freak out after going into a small tunnel like structure, with a steel armour like sheath covering your face in the form of a shield! The procedure was to take 20 mins, which I thought was too long before I got into it, but later realised 20 mins would have certainly been better than being in there for almost an hour, if not more! After awhile, I lost track of time! I dont know how I survived that but from what I can recall, I meditated and chanted while in there and took deep breaths. When I had done enough of that I actually started counting till 60 and did 20 rounds of that and still remember that the time just was not passing! The last fifteen mins or so were the most difficult because by then I lost patience and my mind was willing to scream out loud saying, " Stop! I can take it no more". And this was the time they had injected some chemical/dye through the IV. My head was very heavy and my eyes were hurting. I really cannot fathom what kept me going. What was to be 20 mins took an hour as they had to do repeat scans since they expect no movement at all so that they get accurate images! And by no movement what they mean( which they dont bother telling you at all) is no swallowing, no batting your eyelids etc etc! How on earth can anyone who is undergoing such an unnerving procedure be expected to behave thus, unless you are a statue or a zombie or a corpse! Might as well make you unconscious or sedate you( which apparently is a norm abroad), as it serves two purposes! One is that by default you wont move and the whole process might actually get over in the stipulated time period and two,the person undergoing it will be more at ease as s/he will be totally unaware and saved of the whole trauma.
When it ended I was very thankful as it had left me both physically and mentally drained. My aunt and my mom came and hugged me and my aunt exclaimed that I had been brave and that she had walked out of the room twice as she cudnt even bear to see me go through it all, apart from the horrid, ferocious variety of sounds being made by the scanning machine( which was why they had given me head phones so that it could block off or atleast dilute the sounds and me in all my optimism thought that there might me some nice soothing music to calm me down!!)By now all that I wanted for myself was to go home and sleep.
Now there was another herculian task which was 24 hours away and that was the waiting period for the report, which was another ordeal in itself. By now I was more in a robotic mode and was almost on auto pilot! I was going about doing everything but my brain was numb. I had stopped thinking. It was like a self protective mechanism. The next day we all went to collect the report. When I got it in my hand, the only thing that should have stood out was the last line which said, " No singnificant abnormality in the brain or the pituitary!" My mother had tears of relief and joy but I wasnt able to feel anything. I guess the stress of it all had numbed my ability to feel, express or emote! I read that and then read the rest of the report whereby the first paragraph stated that the images had picked up something which were not further corroborated by the later saggital images( God knows what that meant!). But it was enough to have me a bit concerned till I had it checked by someone of expertise and got a totally clear chit! My gynac fueled my concern by saying that she wanted me to show my report to a neurologist or an endocrinologist while I kept asking why she cudnt just treat me. She reiterated that we need to get an opinion. The saga just dint seem to end!
It was a drill to get a specialist's appointment. We were getting dates that were almost a month away! And once again there was no way I was going to be able to wait that long! My dad gave his best shot once more and managed yet again to get us an appointment two days later.
I was seeing an endocrinologist in Hinduja hospital. I have still to understand why they have appointments and time slots allocated when they dont even remotely follow them. After a 2.5 hours wait I was finally summoned upon and my case history was taken by an intern/assistant. I was asked the most embarassing questions while my dad was with me. The intern was a male as well but I have to add that he was quite thorough with his job and skills. Finally the main doctor who had gone on rounds came back and saw me. He went through my reports in the most disinterested fashion and did the same with the intern's notes! I guess I cant blame him given the nature of his work. I wudnt really care for his level of interest as long as his treatment was good and thats the only thing I was bothered about. The first question he asked was , "How is a high Prolactin bothering you?" I was quite stumped and this was the last straw in the camel's back. Now I was literally at the point of getting hysterical! After all that I underwent I was now being asked how was this reading/ count bothering me!!! How am I supposed to know or even answer that. I was told that this count is high and I need to get a tumour ruled out and once that is done see a speacilist for the next plausible line of treatment! So though I wanted to actually say "You're the specialist, U tell me!!!!", all I could manage to tell him were the couple of discomforting symptoms that I was having and he felt that they were not necessarily related to the high Prolactin. According to him that could just be part of the overall PCOD! He did not feel that there was any need to medicate for the Prolactin and apart from saying 'Forget about it!', all he did was put me on a couple of supplements which he said should help alleviate or atleast reduce the symptoms. And ofcourse he cleared my doubt on the first paragraph of the MRI report and said that all it meant was that what was picked up was like an artefact as it was more to do with the imaging of the machine rather than what was in my brain! Phew!!!!!!!!! What a relief!!
Bamboo's mission accomplished! What was in it for me?! I still cant be certain or say for sure but yes I am certainly counting my blessings, be it my family who have been my angels without wings, my brother who got up at an unearthly hour in his corner of the world just because he wanted to wish me luck and cheer me up before my MRI and followed up diligently till I came out of this whole period, my friends, cousins and well wishers who stood by me rock solid and how all of these people had ONE thing in common, which was the unshakable faith that I would come out of this smooth and there would be no cause for concern, and they kept me going by encouraging me with their optimistic and positive outlook throughout. Last but not the least God or that higher force or reality that saw me through it all and let me come out of it fit and fine with a stronger faith and belief that someone up there did indeed do the needful at their end too! Like the famous words which kinda sum it up for me, "The will of God does not take you where the Grace of God cannot protect you!".
And yes also that I wasnt in the shoes of someone else like the jovial lovely gentleman who did his MRI just before mine and told my parents not to worry as I would be fine and that my scan would come clear, even though he himself had a pituitary tumour for the last 20 years, and everytime he had it removed surgically, it kept coming back! God bless him and many others like him who have every reason to break down or give up but dont and fight it with such great positivity and zest for life! On seeing people and instances like this I can honestly only have GRATITUDE!!!
